Face to Face
A “Getting to Know You” Format
Forward
Face to Face is an advanced share (compared to Write & Share)- best used if you're emotional bank account is high with each other, or during the 6 Week Online Course, or personal coaching. Best used at Private Retreats or anytime when you can be completely alone, phones turned off, doors locked etc.
You can also use Face to Face questions for Nightly Check In or as Write and Share topics, for an amped up Chit-Chat experience on trips or even standing in a long line together.
You could keep a record of some of your fun "Face to Face" conversation themes in a journal- something like this.
Instructions and Guidelines
1) These are best done face to face, knee to knee (or at least close to it), unless your emotional bank account is so high with each other than you can navigate through these kinds of tender and deep waters on a walk or a long drive.
2) There are several ways to do any of these. A suggestion is given for each one, but pick whatever seems best for you.
Repeating questions (1 direction, then the other)
Ping pong
Sentence Completion
Interview
Simple Conversation
3) Avoid conversation.
Just share whatever comes to you, but without conversation around it. (Note that in “Face to Face” you avoid conversation, whereas “Write & Share” is all about conversation.😉)
4) There are no right or wrong answers.
Just say whatever comes to your mind (bearing in mind the guidelines below). Note that you can give the same answer your spouse is feeling if that’s what you feel too. Also note that you can return to any of these starters, here or with “Write & Share”, in future shares and give the same answers, or different ones.
5) Most importantly…
Make your answers about YOU, not about your partner. This is a "Get to Know You", not “Get to Judge or Blame you.”
Example: "What do you want to feel?" (from the subject list below)
Good examples for “Sentence Completion”:
I want to feel fully alive.
I want to feel my faith again.
I want to feel unashamed about my past. etc.
Disastrous examples for “Sentence Completion”:
I want to feel like you really care about me.
I want to feel like you're putting me first.
I want to feel like I actually matter to you.
I want to feel sexually turned on when I'm in your arms (because I never do) etc.
Some questions can to getting clear on your needs and how to better come through for each other. Be careful, however, to make your responses upbeat and brief. Point your partner toward possibilities, not disappointments. For more thorough conversation on a specific issue, do a “Love Seat.”
Good examples for "What do you need from me?"
More time.
More movies.
More walks.
When I'm telling you my feelings, just to take 5 solid minutes to listen. That would be great.
Disastrous examples:
More sincerity (What does that mean? Get specific! Get upbeat!)
For you to think about me for once, instead of yourself etc.
Instructions
Pick a Share Starter or theme from below- one that you both would like to do. This may take looking through a few of them until you land on one you both feel to do right now.
Face to Face - Basic Starters
Please read instructions above first. Note: Each Starter includes suggested approach, but use whichever you'd like i.e. "ping pong", "repeating question" etc. Each question should take about 2 to 6 minutes- including both directions, but go as long as you feel to go.
What do you want? Note: What do you want in general vs. out of our relationship. (Repeating question- one way, then the other. Go as long as you’d like.)
What makes you happy? (Repeating question- one way, then the other. 1 to 2 minutes each way.)
Who are you? (Repeating question- one way, then the other or Ping Pong, back and forth)
What are you afraid of? (Repeating question - Partner A asks question gently and repeatedly. Each time Partner B answers, Partner A asks question again. Go about 1 to 2 minutes {3 to 10 times} then switch directions- same question, asked exactly as it’s phrased above.)
What makes you feel safe? (Repeating question - Partner A asks gently and repeatedly. Each time Partner B answers, Partner A asks question again. Go about 1 to 2 minutes {3 to 10 times} then switch directions- same question, asked exactly as it’s phrased.)
What do you love and why? (Ping Pong, back and forth, asked exactly as it’s phrased vs. “Who else do you love? etc.)
What makes you embarrassed? (Ping Pong, asked exactly as it’s phrased)
When do you feel proud? (Ping Pong, asked exactly as it’s phrased)
What’s missing from your life? (Repeating question - Partner A asks gently and repeatedly. Each time Partner B answers, Partner A asks question again. Go about 1 to 2 minutes {3 to 10 times} then switch directions- same question, asked exactly as it’s phrased vs. “What else is missing...?”)
What I’m afraid to feel is... (Sentence completion, Ping Pong - back and forth, completing the sentence-starter).
What do you hold on to? (Ping Pong, back and forth, asked exactly as it’s phrased)
What do you hide from yourself? (Repeating question - Partner A asks question gently and repeatedly. Each time Partner B answers, Partner A asks question again. Go about 1 to 2 minutes {3 to 10 times} then switch directions- same question.)
I’m afraid to let you love me because… (Ping Pong, back and forth)
I’m afraid of succeeding because... (Sentence Completion Ping Pong, back and forth)
What would you risk by loving me? (Repeating question - Partner A asks question gently and repeatedly. Each time Partner B answers, Partner A asks question again. Go about 1 to 2 minutes {3 to 10 times} then switch directions- same question.)
What I’m afraid to be is… (Sentence completion, ping pong)
What I would like to give you is... (Sentence completion, ping pong)
What I don’t want to look at is... (Sentence completion)
What do you need from me? - (Repeating question - Partner A asks question, slowly, gently and repeatedly. Each time Partner B answers, Partner A asks question again. Go about 1 to 2 minutes {3 to 10 times} then switch directions- same question.)
What would you like me to give myself? (Repeating question)
I feel loved by you when… (Sentence completion, ping pong)
What I think you need (especially from me) is___ - (Sentence Completion: Partner A completes the sentence 3 to 5 times. Partner B then completes the sentence 3 to 5 times, or until the time is up during a workshop.)
What I want to feel is... (Sentence completion, ping pong)
What do you stand for? (Repeating question- one way, the the other or ping pong)
What makes my life worth living is... (ping pong)
I’m grateful for… (ping pong)
I feel loved when you say... (ping pong)
What do you see in your future (not related to our marriage). (Ping pong)
What I love about you is… (ping pong)
What would you like me to give myself? (Repeating question- one way, then the other)
What are you pretending not to know? (Repeating question)
Something you do that makes me feel loved is… (Sentence completion, ping pong)
What do you want for our children? (Repeating question, ping pong)
What do you want to leave behind? (Repeating question)
What is one thing about yourself that you would love if someone knew better about you? (Interview Style i.e.“ Tell me more about that” or “What else about that” or “Why do you think you feel that way?” or “When did first notice that?” or “What happened then?”) etc.
Come up with some of your own. See below.
You can do Face to Face shares on anything (not just the subject lines above). Narelle and I were standing around a fire the other night and did this one. (Note that there is no conversation in Face to Face. That’s for Write & Share.
Deeper Dives (Under Construction)
💙 Getting to Know You, Even More
What do you need from me? (Repeating question- one direction, then the other)
What would you have to let go of to love me? (Repeating question- one direction, then the other)
What I (sometimes) avoid with you is… (Sentence completion, ping pong)
What I feel insecure about is... (Sentence completion, ping pong)
What am I not seeing? (Ask partner, then wait for answer. give honest, inspired, gentle, uplifting feedback and insights. Take turn asking and listening. This is a potentially volatile starter. If it’s not going well, quickly apologize for anything you may have said that wasn’t taken well and move onto another starter.
What keeps you from going (more fully) for what you want? (Interview Style i.e.“ Tell me more about that” or “What else about that” or “Why do you think you feel that way?” or “When did first notice that?” or “What happened then?” ) etc.
What’s your vision? - (Ping-Pong. Each time you are asked the question, answer with “My vision is ____________”... whatever comes to you. This sentence has no agenda.)
What greatness, in and from you, does the world deserve more of? - (Repeating question - Partner A asks question, slowly, gently and repeatedly. Each time Partner B answers, Partner A asks question again. Go about 1 to 2 minutes {3 to 10 times} then switch directions- same question. Answer with “What this world deserves more of from me is _______.” )
Copyright - 2018 - John Canaan (www.pathofpeace.org)
💙 Sue Johnson's 7 Conversations
Please consider purchasing "Hold Me Tight” so you can take some walks with your spouse, listen to the book, pausing from time to time for conversation. For now, let’s do some “Getting to Know You” with Sue’s book as the background.
When you need connection and comfort, how can I show you that I'm here for you? (Ping pong question, back and forth at least a few rounds).
How can I make you feel safe? (Ping pong question, back and forth at least a few rounds).
What makes you feel secure? (Ping pong question, back and forth at least a few rounds).
A way to give me reassurance and to let me know how important I am to you is to is _______ (Ping pong, sentence completion- back and forth at least a few rounds).
I generally feel connected to you and close. 🤗 This makes me feel___________ (Ping pong, sentence completion- back and forth at least a few rounds).
Unlike what I mentioned above, I sometimes feel disconnected and even lonely in this relationship. What is something specific I could say or do or ask, to reach out to you in moments like this? Would you willing to let me practice this right now? I would love that. (Go both directions. Share, listen, practice, reflect, get clarity i.e. “Tell me more about when you said ______” etc. )