Guidelines / Tips

Tip 1) ⌚ Decide time allotment 
Decide what your time allotment is i.e. 3 to 10 minutes for writing / 3 to 5 minutes each for sharing (whatever goal you both feel good about).

Tip 2) 🌞 Positive & Hopeful
Any of your thoughts and feelings could lead to conversation. This conversation can be revealing, but should always be positive and hopeful to fit the objective of Write & Share.

Tip 3) 💙 Share You 
Focus on your feelings, fears, victories, discouragement, hopes etc.- doing your best to not implicate your spouse i.e.
"I feel alone sometimes and miss feeling close to you" vs. "Since you're hardly ever around it makes me feel lonely."

Your loved one will lean away when your content is about him or her, but will lean in when you’re talking about you. Especially avoid blaming or critical statements ("You" statements).  Move more toward “What I end up feeling sometimes is__________.”

Tip 4) 💑 The sole (and soul) purpose of writing and sharing is to get to know each other vs… 
…being right, judging, analyzing or solving problems (You especially do not want to solve problems during this time). Consider asking your spouse to tell you more about something he or she said - a word, a phrase, a feeling, a conclusion etc.

Use "Tell me more about ______"  etc. to fuel his or her share. What a gift! Your loved one may be more anxious than you realize to have you listen, not for any reason other than to understand you as deeply as he or she possibly can.

Note, by the way, that “Write & Share” encourages conversation. “Face to Face” (which is a bit more advanced), doesn’t.

Tip 5) 🤨 Don't make your spouse wrong or judge him or her in anyway 
…i.e. “No! that’s not what I’m saying!” or "Why would you think that about your life? That's crazy!" etc.  Instead, give gentle guidance i.e. "That's interesting.  I didn't know you felt that way. Tell me more about that" or  (when it comes to his or her perspective on what you've written), "That's close. Thanks for trying to understand. Let me add more (or maybe say it differently) etc."   

Tip 6) 🥰 Do your best to not take anything personally.
If you are tempted to take something personally, instead, consider what you're hearing as a treasure map- leading to how to come through for your spouse even better.

Tip 7) 🦄 Drop your agenda on how this time together should go. 
Your spouse may not fully appreciate the “Write & Share” format as outlined here. That’s O.K. If there is sincere sharing, at any level, in anyway your spouse shares, at least you are getting to know each other. Yay!

Have a prayer in your heart that you can hear your spouse at whatever level of consciousness or interest he or she is coming from. Isn't it a miracle that he or she is even there before you talking with you?

Tip 8) 💜 Don't expect your spouse to change because you shared your feelings.
Intimacy isn’t about changing each other.  It’s about knowing each other.

✍🏼 Sharing Instructions

1) Determine Share Starter (See below for possibilities)

2) With the reading (if there is any) and Share Starter above in mind, write for 3 to 10 minutes,

3) After writing, exchange notebooks with each other and read each other's entry. (Remember the guidelines above.)

4) After reading entries, place journals (or notebook) where Partner A can easily see both journals.

5) Partner “A” shares. (Consider the following sentence starters, in any order):

  • "What struck me about what I wrote”, or “what stood out for me was (or “is”) ________”.

  • "What stood out for me (or struck me, or impressed me) about what you wrote was (or is) _____”

  • "What I think I understand about you more is that ________" [Note: Make this uplifting, never critical]

  • “What I think I understand more about myself is that ________.”

Helpful phrases for listener (perhaps leading to some conversation)

  • “Tell me more about ______” or

  • “Yes, that makes sense” and/or “I totally get how you would feel like that” etc.

6) Partner B shares, repeating #5 above.

Note that whatever conversation develops inside these steps (if any or if none) is perfect.

Themes / Subject Lines

1) Getting to Know You - 1st Share

  • What positive feelings do I experience when I think about the possibility of getting to know you better? and/or

  • What’s at the bottom of some of my sadness, upset or emptiness that doesn't have anything to do with you? and/or...

  • Whatever you come up with or pick with John in your Zoom meeting.

    Return to list of “Subject Lines.”

2) Things I like you to do for me...

3) Relationship Cleanse

4) Request List

5) Focusing on the Positive

  • How do I feel when I focus on what I love about you or when I’m looking for positive things about you? and/or

  • What I guess you’re feeling when I’m looking for the positive.

    Return to list of “Subject Lines.”

6) Close the Back Door

7) How God has touched my life

8) Seeing the Real you

  • What I feel as I look and see the real you? &/or

  • What happens to me and/or to us when our defenses mask our real and perhaps vulnerable feelings? (As I think about this, what do I feel?)

    Return to list of “Subject Lines.”

9) Values

Reading

There are many things we feel we should value (i.e. being kind, uplifting input, working hard in our profession, taking care of the kids etc.) - things we feel we ought to value more than others.

Write & Share

  • 3 or 4 things, surprisingly, that I actually do value (more than I perhaps realized) are... i.e. stacking dominos, making new recipes, watching people walk along a side walk, saunas, complete quiet, writing poetry, following politics, rude humor, scary movies etc.

  • As I list these values (above), what do I feel? and/or what’s my perspective on this?

Return to list of “Subject Lines.”

10) The Perfect Storm

Reading

Click here first, to read “The Perfect Storm", then return here:

Write & Share

  • As I consider my resistance to our differences (and to your shortcoming), what is God trying to tell me?, or

  • How do I feel as I consider the power of our challenges in polishing my soul? and/or

  • Is it possible that we are “just what the Doctor ordered” for each other? - that you are, in fact, the very stairway to heaven I need the most? and/or

  • What do I feel as I now come to see you, truly, in all of this, as the love of my life?

Deeper Dives

1) When I think about...

Note: Only do one of these at a time

Write & Share

  1. When I think about what my spouse’s childhood was like, what does it make me feel? &/or what perspective does this create?

  2. When I think about my spouse’s life dream(s), what does it make me feel? What perspective does this create?

  3. When I think about my spouse’s greatest need(s), what does it make me feel? &/or what perspective does this create?

  4. When I think about my spouse’s relationship to our kids, what does it make me feel? What perspective does this create? (Note: Keep this upbeat, pointing toward the truest version of your spouse.)

  5. When I think about my spouse’s talents and gifts, what does it make me feel? &/or what perspective does this create?

  6. When I think about my spouse’s challenges, what does it make me feel? What perspective does this create?

  7. When I think about my spouse’s greatest fears, what does it make me feel? &/or what perspective does this create?

  8. When I think the depth of his or her commitment and love for me (through I’m not always aware of it), what does it make me feel? What perspective does this create?

  9. When I think about the depth my spouses’ commitment to our family (though I’m not always aware of it), what does it make me feel? &/or what perspective does this create?

  10. When I think about the depth of his or her commitment to his or her beliefs and/or values, what does this make me feel? What perspective does this create?

    Return to list of “Subject Lines.”

PhD in Marriage

1) Commmon Enemy

Reading

The experience of a common external enemy creates a pull toward cohesion in a couple. It's vital to see the negative cycle as the enemy- not your partner (Inspired by Sue Johnson).

Write & Share

Any or all of the below:

  • What does the reading above mean to me personally?

  • In what ways have I perhaps missed the essence of this in the past?

  • What has the cost been of not seeing this?

  • What blessings do I see ahead as I more fully grasp this?