LOVE MAP (Love languages)

Background We tend to attract into our lives the person who is least likely to play the part we most need played. What do you need the very most from your spouse? - Probably things that he or she has been struggling to give. 

According to Harville Hendrix, there are two reasons we do this: 

1) We marry someone who reminds us of a parent or caregiver who may have, to some degree, let us down.  In this strange destiny (according to Hendrix’s “Imago” theory), our attraction to a prospective spouse provides an opportunity for someone, by proxy, to come through in areas that you were let down.

2) The 2nd reason we choose “hard” (as Anita Towner puts it) is a spiritual instinct toward whatever it takes to grow and refine.  Scott Peck, in his book “The Road Less Traveled” says that there are 2 reasons we marry 1) to Procreate and 2) Friction and the growth that this friction leads to).

Certainly, the perfect mismatch (your marriage) provides all the friction necessary for the growth we yearn for. The problem is that even though we are drawn to each other in order to heal and grow, as poor choices are made, the relationship friction and heat get turned up, and so does the hurt. Sadly we end up breaking each other’s hearts, not healing them. 

This heart breaking tendency takes the place in “double binds” i.e. wife needs husband to validate her feelings.  Husband needs wife to be more affectionate.  The less validating husband is, the less affectionate wife is.  There are lots of double binds, but this is basically how they all look.  The fire says, give me more wood.  The wood says, give me more fire, and there the fire sits, going out  And there the wood sits, missing it’s purpose. 

The heart of the solution is to identify what your loved one most needs from you- one or two things you can focus on to heal his or her historic wounds.  In focusing on what your spouse has asked you to focus on- getting closer and closer to mastering his or her love language, you will, day by day, heal his or her’s heart and visa versa.  But more importantly, according to Hendrix, you will have discovered the missing and lost piece of your own soul, which is, the very thing he or she is requesting from you- the perfect plan.

The formula and the miracle 
In general, speaking each other’s love language, even a little, can heal lifelong doubts and wounds.  At an even deeper level, our soul’s mantra becomes “As I give you what you need, I grow. As you give me what I need, I heal.”

Love map
The Love Map exercise is to heighten your awareness of your spouse’s love language. I recommend revisiting “Love Map” (below) once or twice a year, or just from time to time as you sense a need.

Once you’ve shed a light on what you each need and fully commit to Nightly Check-In and Weekly Inventory, you have started a steady, wonderful journey toward fully coming through for each other. It’s that simple.

“…also…ships (relation ships), which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds (many potential issues and wounds), yet are they turned about with a very small helm.” James 3:4 (parenthesis added) That “small helm” (in marriage) is Nightly Check-In and, as needed, Weekly Inventory.

LOVE MAP QUESTIONNAIRE & SHARE

Getting a Better Look at Your Needs.

Prep: Please use a laptop or desktop to access and/or print Love Map. Remember to sign in to your Google Account in order to make a copy of the Love Map for your own use:

+Love Map - Google sheets version of “Love Map.”
+Love Map - PDF version

Instructions: Each spouse fills out a Love Map (clarifying your personal needs and love languages), as described in the steps below.

1) Check 10 - 20 options from the Google Sheets - Love Map.
What are the words and/or actions that reach you- that fill your “love bucket” (as Gary Chapman puts it).

2) Circle your top 3 to 5.

3) Read and if helpful, briefly explain your top 3 to 5 love-languages to each other including what this language looks or sounds like i.e.
”I really love back rubs. How that looks for me is at least 5 minutes, with lotion, nice & easy, not like a professional.”
”Taking walks together is huge for me. How it looks for me is at least 20 minutes, holding hands and chit chatting.”

IMPORTANT NOTE: Be inspired on how to phrase your needs and wishes so as not to offend your partner. Make it about you and what you need, not about his or her’s weakness. 

Preface this with “What I share with you now is not about you or your shortcomings. It is my commitment to show you even more clearly the way to my heart. Thank you so much for your willingness to listen to my needs.”

Additionally, acknowledge all that he or she has already done in connection with what you’ve listed &/or rated.

4) List your spouse’s top 10 love languages in a note called “The way to my spouse’s Heart” (or whatever you’d like to call it). This is for you to regularly meditate and act on. Use google docs, evernote, or todoist, or your paper planner.

5) List 1 or 2 ways you will speak your spouses’s love language in your Habit Tracker i.e. “Buy my wife flowers” (Weekly), “Give husband 3 hugs a day, whether I feel like it or not."

6) Stay on target - Celebrate every moment you succeed in speaking his or her love language. Remember, it’s not about what you didn’t do, it’s about what you did do. Thank God that you are learning to love the most important human being you can love while on earth! Be encouraging to yourself and to him or her in this wonderful journey. Lead and guide each other, tenderly, sparingly and as inspired in your Nightly Check-In and Weekly Inventory.