LoveSeat
PROPRIETARY INFORMATION for Mastery & Couples GPS participants ONLY. Please do not share pages with friends or family. Instead, please invite them to our training events, where they can get the support needed for these materials. THANK YOU!
Welcome Aboard
Loveseat (or Peace Talk) is the boarding & flight procedure for potentially sensitive conversations. Guide notes and tips are in these little gray boxes with green font throughout the document. As you get more familiar with this, you could skip this information.
1) Partner A - pre-flight checklist
Partner “A” is the person bringing the issue. Here’s your checklist:
___ Pre-breakthrough work (Key to success. Don’t come to a Loveseat hot.)
___ Determination that this is one specific issue vs. two, three, all bunched up.
___ U.S.A. request planned (Unloaded, Specific, Affirmative).
___ “Shame filter thinner” prepared and/or planned.
Every person a built in “shame filter” which prohibits him or her from hearing what you’re actually saying, so that no matter what you’re sharing, he or she will only hear “bad dog. BAD DOG!” and will conclude, “I’m an idiot. I don’t deserve love and I should be taken out back and shot.” More “Shame Filter”, below.
___ Personal mantra check-in: I recognize that this Loveseat is not a tool to assist me in venting. It is also not a tool to assist me in getting my loved one to change. Loveseat is to increase accountability and to assist my loved one and me in finding our way back to each other’s hearts.
___ Yes ___No (If "Yes", you're ready for the next step, “Enrollment”).
2) Enrollment
"Partner A" enrolls partner B
Most Loveseats occurs during Weekly Inventory, so you already have a space provided for it. If you haven’t done a Weekly Inventory lately or just feel this needs immediate attention, you could say something like, “There’s something I need to talk about. Could we do a Loveseat?” and/or “When would be a good time?” or “Is this a good time to talk without distractions?”
A safer alternative to the above could be to print some sort of Loveseat image or card and place it on the kitchen counter, or bathroom, or hand it to spouse with flowers and/or cookies.
If your partner asks, “what’s it about?”
Note: If your partner says "What's it about?" you could tell him or her, but this usually doesn't work out. It's better to say, "If it's O.K. I think I'd rather tell you once we sit down and take some time to talk” and/or “If this isn’t a good time we can come back to this. When would be a good time?”
3) shame filter
Partner A (partner bringing the issue): Decide & implement any shame filter “thinning” your inspired to provide before or during Loveseat.
Possibilities
Back rub, favorite food prepared, a walk through nature, holding hands while doing Loveseat, doing Loveseat in a sauna, or holding your spouses hands (yours under his or her’s) during “Ownership” reading (below).
NOTE: Reading the “ownership” prelude (below) increases your sense of peace, while at the same time, reducing your partner’s potential shame, resistance or defensiveness. Please allow the words to find their way fully into your heart as you read it.
4) Understanding & clarification
Understanding
About 10 to 20 minutes
1) Partner A reads “ownership” (below) to Partner B, then describes his or her experience.
2) Partner B listens & validates.
Up to 10 minutes, or until Partner A feels complete (whichever comes first).
As inspired, either partner can ask for or offer clarification (see below).
3) Partner B reads “ownership” to Partner A, then describes his or her experience.
4) Partner A listens & validates.
Up to 10 minutes, or until Partner B feels complete (whichever comes first)
NOTE that Partner B’s share only makes sense if it is an integral aspect of Partner A’s issue, and even then, should only be shared if inspired (as this Loveseat is primarily Partner A’s). Click for examples.
Go by inspiration
Understanding & Clarification is a tapestry of both- as inspired. You may be inspired to keep listening- to let your partner bleed it all out before jumping in with clarification. At other times, you may be inspired to gently interrupt a downward spiral into an abyss of fears and doubt by asking for or providing needed clarification, assurance, love and even apology. There’s no standard process for this section other than going by the spirit.
Tips for speaker
a) Speak tentatively vs. judgmentally.
b) Focus on one issue (Partner A’s issue).
c) Focus on your inner experience, worry, fear vs. your spouses poor performance or character weakness.
d) Give a brief, objective, description of what happened (or what was said) while remaining open to the possibility of your own misinterpretation.
e) Emphasize your own subjective experience as much as possible i.e. “When you were sitting outside yesterday, it seemed like you were mad at me. You may not have been. But this is what I was experiencing inside my head.” etc.
Ownership
“This is about me. It’s about my insecurities, my defensiveness, my self-doubt and dependency. It always is. My upset is always about me. It’s about me trying to piece together a sense of security and confidence and a deeper connection to you. Thank you for helping me.”
Possible sentence starters
“When you _________ (description), where I or go with it (or went with it) is that I feel (or felt) ________." or...
"It seems (or seemed) like ________" (description, from your point of view i.e.)
Tips for Listener
Your sole (and soul) objective is to hear your partner vs. defend, judge, critique, check out, or bathe in feelings of shame or not-good-enough. As fun as any of these might be, you only have one goal: listen to hear. Isn’t this a glorious moment? Note that your partner’s experience in this issue may be different from yours, but can illuminate a path to taking care of him or her even better.
Paraphrasing and validation can be facilitated through these kinds of phrases (below). If you’re the listener, do your best. If you’re the speaker, please consider your listener’s best efforts to be good enough!
Mm-hmm (or, just listen)
“What I hear you saying is _______.” (paraphrase what you hear)
“Have I got it?” or “Is that it?”
That makes sense or I get it
Is there more?
Tell me more about ______ or
Tell me more about why this is important to you
I can understand how you’d feel that way
I think I understand
Asking for clarification
"Tell me about this from your point of view" or "So what's going on with you about this?"
Notes: The clearer you are about what’s actually happening or happened (from the other side), the more your feelings will settle into a more reasonable and communicative realm. Things are usually not as bad as they seem. Judgement closes your heart. Seeking or providing clarification is the first step toward opening it.
providing clarification
“Could I give some clarification on this?”
…not defense, not excuse, not justification (things that will your partner feel even worse) - just clarification- things that will make your partner feel better- including, if inspired, a brief apology and a plan going forward. [Note that there will be another chance to apologize later, so you could keep this brief.]
Fine Line
There is a fine line between justification, excuse, defense, on one side and clarification & apology on the other. Consider your motives. If your motive is to protect your self esteem, better just keep listening. If your motive is to heal your spouse’s heart, offer some clarification.
Click here for examples and more notes.
Regardless of how well this has gone so far, you should be at about 20 MINUTES- unless you’re just really enjoying getting to know each other. Otherwise, you want to be careful about wearing each other out.
5) identify your collusion
5a) Bottom line fears / concerns
Sentence Completion (Partner A, then Partner B)
Without implicating your spouses poor performance or character flaws, describe your inner fears (where it all lands for you), by completing this sentence:
“In connection with this issue, what I’m afraid of is ______________________________. i.e. that I will never fully be loved, letting down our kids, having to leave our home, not being close to my family, dying alone, that I’ll never be good enough etc. (If inspired, repeat sentence completion up to 2 more times, with 2 other “bottom line” fears.)
Please do not respond to what your partner says here, other than “I understand. Thank you for sharing this.”
5b) ACCOUNTING POOL
Partner A & B, does “Accounting Pool” below to stir a greater understanding of some of the ways you have been co-creating what you’ve been experiencing.
Starting with Partner A, ping pong style- choosing from these 3 sentence starters (below), and/or Helpful Possibilities.
Go until both partners feel complete. After first partner says “I'm complete with this” the other partner either says “I'm complete also” or, keep going, until both have said “I'm complete with this” (or 5 minutes- whichever comes first).
"How I created this was _____" and/or
"What I've contributed to this is (or was) ______" and/or
"My experience of myself in all of this is ______ " e.g. "I've been really closed off, stubborn, unwilling to see your point of view, brittle, impatient, ignoring you, blaming” etc.
Helpful possibilities
I have been self absorbed.
I have been insensitive.
I have been impatient.
I have been careless.
I failed to share my feelings of hurt or vulnerability with you & emotionally withdrew.
I’ve been blaming you for my failures. __ I’ve been blaming you for our failure.
I’ve been blaming you for my unhappiness. __I’ve been blaming you for everything.
I’ve been pointing my frustrations, fears and unhappiness at you.
I failed to create peaceful communication & instead, ambushed, blamed & open fired.
I allowed myself to continue to feel uncomfortable with __________.
In my unwillingness to make sure things work for me too, I have built up resentment.
I’ve wanted your approval more than I wanted my own self respect.
I've not been appreciative for you and what you do. I’ve taken you for granted.
I have been committed to my story of how you have wronged me.
I disconnected from your love, got defensive and imagined you were out to get me.
I’ve been undisciplined in my own personal life, which has put me in a bad mood.
I've been inconsistent about doing the things that keep a good feeling between us.
Instead of letting you know how proud I am of you, I’ve given you my disappointment.
I have failed to put you first, take care of your needs & do my best to make you happy.
I’ve been wanting you to see the error of your ways and to apologize to me.
I haven’t been clear in what I need from you or encouraging when you try to give it.
Through my lack of boundaries, I’ve supported behavior that doesn’t work for me.
I have viewed you as the source of my feelings of abandonment, not-enough etc.
I’ve set you up to prove what I’m most afraid of- that in the end, I will not be loved.
I’ve pushed you into abandoning me, or to concluding that I’ve abandoned you.
5c) Collusion (death dance)
After the accounting pool, take a couple of minutes to describe your typical downward spiral when it comes to this issue. Each of you, jot down your version of the collusion (or Death Dance) i.e.
The more you ____, the more I ____ and/or
The more you____, the less I ____ and/or
The less I ____, the more you____ and/or
The less I____, the less you____ etc.
or,
When you _______ I tend to think or feel _______
which makes me act out by _______
which makes you feel etc.
To the best of your ability, use objective, non-judgmental descriptions i.e.
Example:
The more you time you spend in your office at home, the more ignored I feel.
The more ignored I feel, the more I tend to see you as not caring.
The more I see you as not caring, the more I treat you disrespectfully.
The more I treat you disrespectfully, the less desire you have to come out of your office.
The less you come out of your office, the more angry I become and the more disrespectfully I treat you.
5d) collusion - Share Notes
Let your partner see your notes. Notice that you will have different descriptions. Do your best to peacefully and humbly co-author a brief description of your collusion- a description that works for both of you- taking extra care to focus on how you have both, co created what you are experiencing.
Collusion - Coming this Summer!
In co-creating your collusion description, get objective. Perhaps pretend you are screen writers, co-writing the perfect plot for your next big pitch to Universal.
Take a few minutes
6) Apologies
…from both sides- whatever you are inspired to apologize for- whatever you feel sincerely sorry for- whatever you want to add to what you’ve already offered.
Apology - Notes
1) Go deep. Make no mistake. You cause your world.
2) Remember that sorrow is about my love for you. Shame is about my hate for me. Know the difference. Your spouse wants your sorrow, not your shame.
3) Partners can, by the spirit, guide each other in what to apologize for i.e. “I’d love it if you’d say ‘Honey, I’m so sorry I yelled at you.’” etc.
4) Whatever apology is offered needs to be good enough. This is key!
Something wonderful your could include in your apology: “Can you forgive me?” (wait for an answer), then “Will you forgive me?”
7) partner A, makes 1 or 2 “u.S.a.” requests
Unloaded - If you’re still too deep inside your story of victim, distrust or disappointment, stop here and go back to the accounting pool and/or breakthrough. Come back to your request later, when it’s not so loaded.
Specific e.g. "Would you be willing to sign up for 2 more months of coaching with John?" vs. "I just want you to try harder."
Affirmative if possible e.g. "Would you be willing to talk about my Mother only with me vs. family or friends?"
8) If humble & inspired, partner B submits a “Please Help Me”.
Note that Partner B’s “Please Help Me” is also his or her’s U.S.A request for this Loveseat conversation
Examples:
1) “Honey, for sure, from now on I will start taking out the trash every week. Could I ask one thing of you that would make this easier for me?” [wait for answer]. “Would you make sure you don’t park your car where the trash goes?" or...
2) “If I interrupt you could you please just calmly say, 'Honey, I'd like to finish what I'm saying.' This would really help me." etc.
9) Create or clarify agreement(s)
Partner A starts the negotiation with: “What would you be willing to do?” or "Here's what I think would be best" etc.
Respect and Synergy Guidelines
a) Please allow partner A to lead.
b) Respectfully develop a “win/win” possibilities (no one is wrong, ever)
c) As you seek solutions, consider the "5 Centering Questions" below.
d) Seek “synergistic”solutions (3rd alternatives) that focus on what you each need vs. getting hung up on a specific way of supplying this need).
e) Take a recess if necessary. You’ve made huge progress. Don’t wear each other out!
f) If you’re not making progress, do some more breakthrough work and/or make an appointment with your coach.
g) If inspired, explain possible consequences, going forward, and/or a request restitution.
Centering questions
1) What am I willing to do?
2) What am I not willing to do?
3) What do I think would be best?
4) What am I not seeing?
5) What do I want? (What would I like to see happen, in the end?)
Boundaries &/or Restitution
The 5 questions (above), can sometimes lead to explaining how close your spouse is to the edge of a cliff i.e. “Betty, if you have lunch with Barry again, I don’t know what else to do other than consider that you may not be serious about our relationship, which might mean a separation for a while.” These questions may also inspire a request for restitution (a show of good faith that will increase your trust in your spouse’s sincerity) i.e. a 30 minute foot rub, weekend trip to the lake, favorite meal etc. Click for more.
10) record your agreement(s)
Note: Always thank your partner after a "Loveseat" for job well done! Pour it on!
Warning: Usually, no more than 1 “Love Seat” per person, a week. If you need more, do Breakthrough until your next Love Seat. Your issues need much more time than they do conversation. See Request List.
11) Review agreements each week:
a) Keep your agreements in writing, in a special place.
b) Review your agreements once a week, ideally at Weekly Inventory. Be conscious of your agreements.