Articles of Peace  

Truths & Guidelines to Navigate Delicate Conversations

A Softened Heart

"I have found in thirty years of marriage counseling that learning new communication techniques, going to seminars on relationship skills, or reading all of the best books on the subject really won’t help heal marital wounds unless the individuals involved develop a contrite spirit or feel a softening of the heart." (Dr. Victor Cline)

A "Peaceful Conversation" is a conversation with key communication guidelines in mind- all of which support a softened heart along a path of peace. No matter the destination or object of your conversation, peace is the way to get there.

Peaceful Conversation - Instructions

Before heading into a volatile conversation, review this document - even if it’s just use the "5 Essential Keys" below.

5 Essentials (Table of Contents)

“A Peaceful Conversation" is a conversation with a background awareness of the Articles of Peace (especially these 5 essentials). Adding awareness and use of these articles and guidelines will assure wonderful results in delicate conversations.

1) Pray for Underlying Trust.

2) Seek Clarification.

3) Seek to Understand.

4) Let Go of Being Right.

5) Create Win-Win Agreements.

Other Articles of Peace & Guidelines (Table of Contents)

6) Bring Your Upset to God & Request to Your Spouse.

7) Enroll vs. Ambush.

8) One Issue at a Time.

9) Own Your Experience. Talk about yourself.

10) Express primary emotions vs. accusations or judgements.

11) Speak Tentatively vs. Conclusively.

12) Speak With a Genuinely Peaceful Voice.

13) Speak in Bite Sized Streams (Avoid flooding).

14) Convert “Issues” into Unloaded, Specific, Affirmative requests.

5 Essential Keys

1) Pray for Underlying Trust

Underlying trust, meaning, innocent until proven guilty, or what Emil Harker describe as "Assuming good intent." This includes asking God to open your heart and eyes to see and your spouse's sometimes hidden care and love for you. This is the starting place. What you see, manifests- not the other way around.

2) Seek Clarification

Seek clarification (vs. accusation, justification, right/wrong). "Tell me about this from your point of view" or "So what's going on with you about this?" or "So what am I missing about this?" or "What am I not seeing?"

“So, when you referred to me as a ‘pig’ the other day, did you mean that in a ‘oh he’s such a cute little piggy’ way, or did you mean that I was being self-centered?”

Intimacy is much more about listening and getting more information than it is about talking and making more judgements. The clearer you are about what’s actually happening or happened, the more your feelings will settle into a more reasonable and communicative realm.

3) Seek to Understand

The over arcing goal of seeking clarification is to create understanding. This piece (understanding) is in the middle of the 5 Essential Keys because it’s the magic glue that enlivens and holds together the other 4 keys.

The more you seek to understand the more you’ll actually want to understand.

This happens to me with movies my wife picks that I’m sure I won’t be interested in. I like anything with spaceships and/or a creatures and/or time travel. She likes love and romance. So she’ll pick a movie, and I’ll sort of half watch it with her. Within 20 minutes I’m at the edge of my seat, laughing, clapping, crying. Why? Because I stayed. I sat. I watched, I heard and committed to take it in- to let go of my spaceship (my world) and tune into hers.

The more you tune into his or her world, the more your heart will fill. What will it fill with? with him or her - with your love for him or her. When people feel fully heard, seen, understood and known a feeling of peace and security immediately emerges. It’s almost like listening is love.

But it gets even better! The more you actually do understand and validate your partner's world, the more he or she will share this world with you! Note that you may see it all differently. In the context of this principle however, it's irrelevant how you see it. Your job at times is simply to understand.

BTW, I'm not saying, don’t talk. I'm just saying, when you are listening, listen! And as you do, being right and getting your way melts into being in love and inventing “our” way- a path that works for both of us.

Create a gentle, calm, volley, without keeping score. Don’t keep rushing the net. If you’re that panicked about getting your point of view over the net, this might not be the best time to talk.

Welcome his or her ball into your court. Receive and return with attention, connection & compassion. Soon it will be your turn to serve and for him or her to receive & return. Pay attention to the natural rhythm.

Here’s the magic: The more you get into your partner’s world (and invite him into yours), the more safe your partner will feel.

The safer your partner feels, the more trust he or she will have with you. And as Stephen Covey teaches, trust ignites creativity and leads to an exploration of solutions.

Trust is created as you turn up your intention to understand and loosen your grip on being right and getting your way.

Listening to understand, letting go of being right and letting go of getting your way is to to pursue peace instead of pursuing victory.

It’s a wonderful circle because the more you seek to understand, the more you want to understand.

In a fascinating study reviewed by Dr. Mark Holder, researchers interviewed chronic diabetes patients at a hospital. They found that by using 3 very special words, the patients felt significantly connected to and at ease with the researchers who were interviewing them.

Their conclusion was that 3 of the most healing words you can say to someone are “tell me more.” Dr. Holder suggests that through these words we are sending the message, “I’m not going on to my story. I’m listening to you and to your story.” The research also determined that perhaps the 2nd most healing words you can say to someone are: “What happened next?”

These kinds of phrases and questions heal, not only people’s actual body and health, but heal relationships: “Tell me more”, “What I hear you saying is…”, “Tell me more about…”, “What happens when___”, “I really want to understand everything you’re feeling” etc.  Try to understand each piece (or “bite”) of what you’re partner is saying before switching to your  point of view. This may take a while. Be patient.

There is a natural rhythm in this. If you are seeking to understand first, and then to be understood, you can feel when someone is complete with something. You can feel if it makes sense to share with him or her, as a gift, what is in your heart.

The cove receives the wave. The cove does not resist the wave, or make it wrong. The wave comes into the cove and finding he is received, is calmed and contained.

Sometimes you are the wave. Sometimes you are the cove. If you are both waves- crashing into each other- the flow ends and the storm begins.

I can't emphasize this enough. Get fully into your partner's world when he or she is talking. In the vastness and diversity of our human experience, one formula remains constant:  listening = understanding = love. ****  *****

4) Let Go of Being Right

“You know I’m right. This is stupid. Why don’t you just admit it? O.K. I will sit here, as long as it takes for you to admit that I’m right.”

Seeking to understand can only happen as you allow yourself the possibility of being wrong. Try this experiment. Close your eyes. Think of a subject or issue you feel very right about i.e. vaccines, Trump, Biden, household finances... anything. Now, say out loud these liberating, peace making words, "I could be wrong about this." Open your eyes now, look around. Are you still alive? Touch different parts of your body to see if you're still in one piece. Did you implode? No. You may want to say it again, "I could be wrong about this, or about how I'm looking at this etc."- maybe a few times! It gets better as you go.

To not make someone wrong (as we've talked about) you must see what I see as the spiritual gift of being willing to let go of your need to be right.

As couples coach Natalie Clay puts it, “Not only is your spouse not wrong, you are not right. Get over that! If that's the reason you're talking, don't talk!” (paraphrased).

If you need to be right, and if you're not open to your spouse’s world, you're not headed toward understanding, or solutions- You're headed toward frustration, resentment and emotional shut down.

Let's hit this from the other end: Don't make someone wrong! You may not understand each other. You may not have a mutually acceptable agreement yet, but no one is ever wrong. This huge as we come into the final key of the big 5, "Win-Win" (a beautiful expression coined by Dr. Stephen Covey.

There's one last wonderful gate that opens along your path of letting go of being right. It's this: being able and willing to apologize- to say these blessed words, "I'm sorry" or "I have really been getting this wrong" and/or "I can see how my way of being or looking at this has really hurt you. I'm so sorry" etc. Doesn't that sound so open and peaceful?, even just to read it!?"

5) Create "Win-Win" Agreements

"Almost all conflicts are agreements and/or understandings waiting to emerge." - Tod Harvey

Creating agreements (or at least an understanding of where you each are on an issue) is the self evident path to ending confusion, disappointment, distrust and disconnect. This is a profoundly simple and yet often overlooked truth. The questions at the bottom of most of our interpersonal problems are: a) "What's our agreement?" or at least b) “What’s you’re expectation or understanding?”

• When it comes to the pile of dishes in the sink, what's the agreement? (or “What are your housekeeping standards?”)

• When it comes to budget or financial grips, what's the agreement? (or “How are you expecting our spending to go?”)

• When it comes to time together, date nights, vacations, what’s the expectation? What are our agreements?

Note that as Emil Harker points out, agreements ought be unilateral as much as possible verses basing your agreement on his or hers i.e. "I'll do this if you'll do that." No, it's "I will do this. Is there anything you'd like to agree to?"

In either case, great agreements (unilateral or group), require what Stephen Covey calls "Thinking Win-Win." This is fundamental.

And for me "Win-Win" is a larger umbrella for several amazingly important intersecting pieces of peace. Here they are:

a) Let Go of Getting Your Way

Trust is the natural outgrowth of seeking to understand. If your goal is to get your way, it doesn’t matter what he or she feels or how he or she looks at things. Just start the bulldozer and go! Hopefully you can clean up later- after getting your way. But losing trust is a hard clean up.

Throw away the keys to the bulldozer. Let go of your insistence on getting your way.

This is challenging because getting your way is evidence (for you) that you can control your world, which makes you feel safe. But this is temporary sense of security. For in the end you will lose the very people you seek to control.

The next idea (the "Centering Questions") can be a life saver along the path of letting go of control.

b) Stay In Your Business (Stop being controlling. Live in the 5 Questions.)
Staying in your business means asking and living inside the "Centering Questions." Your conversation with your spouse has these questions running in the background, which keeps you out of controllment, in your own business and moving steadily toward something that could work for both of you.

💙 What am I willing to do? …("Pro action question") - This question is my "get out of victim jail card" and brings me "back into my body"- back to my own business (my choices)- not his or hers.

💙 What am I not willing to do, or endure? What am I not comfortable with? What doesn't work for me? This is the "Self Honesty and Self-determination Question" - assisting me in noting where he or she ends and I begin- to experience myself as a distinct and separate person with a willingness to love my neighbor as myself. This question heals me from the illusion of helplessness, returns me to a sense of self-determination and even further out of my victim story.

💙 What do I feel would be the best for everyone, including me? …(the "Win Win" Question) often including a cost/benefit analysis as I review the first 2 questions now through this lens. This question, especially, creates balance and wisdom and opens my heart to win win possibilities.

💙 What am I not seeing? ...(the "Revelation Question"). What am I not seeing, even in this very moment, as I'm asking this? What's another way of looking at this? (This question invites a more complete view of the situation- moving you away from limited thinking toward even more possible solutions).

💙 What do I want? or What would I like to see happen? (This is the "Perspective Question"- instilling a deeper look at and awareness of your life goals visions). The other 4 questions are viewed through this lens.


c) Stay In the Conversation
Be willing to peacefully talk, as long as it takes to create a solution that works for both of you. This will often mean a "3rd Alternative" (an expression that Stephen Covey noted as the most important concept of his career shortly before passing away).

This is your mantra: “I am willing to talk as long as it takes and as many times as it takes for us to both be happy with our resolve. This is my commitment!”

Success is achieved by focusing on the respective objectives and releasing your fixation on your solution. "What's another way for us to get as close as possible to what we want and/or need?"

d) Don’t make him or her wrong! (even if you’re sure that technically, he or she is)
Validate your partner's point of view or feelings. Don’t descend into the dark world of objective truth (who’s right and who’s wrong). Respectfully explore solutions. If you make your partner wrong, your path to exploring solutions quickly unravels.


e) Be as committed to your partner being as happy with the solution as you are. 
Seems like a no brainer, but most of us would do well in checking in with ourselves on this. Ironically, putting your own needs first usually ends up with none of your needs met anyway.

f) Peaceful conversation, or no conversation.
Creating "win-win" comes at a high cost- patience. You may not get discover a solution even in the first 2 to 3 conversations. That's. O.K. You're getting to know each other- to understand each other and to practice patience. But make no mistake, losing your peace, or at least your respectful tone will remove any chance of win-win.

Note that the reason it's hard to end these increasingly unpeaceful conversations is that you struggle to believe that without his her her cooperation in meeting your needs, you may not survive. But you will.

Be ready and disciplined enough to postpone a conversation that is not peaceful and mutually respectful.  You can get to it later.  It will still be there, but if you continue in a disrespectful relationship, your spouse may not be there.

Win-Win emerges, almost naturally in the soil of peace, respect and patience. Keep talking. Keep trusting. Keep in peace.

If either of you is in the least bit concerned about the level of mutual respect in this conversation, agree to come back to the conversation. Call a timeout for at least an hour- more if necessary- whatever you require to get back to pursuing peace vs. victory.

Other Keys & Guidelines

Even Deeper into Peace

6) Bring Your Upset to God & Your Request to Your Spouse.

Once you are steeped in your story of distrust or let-down it's easy to unload disappointments from your entire life onto your spouse.  Don’t do this. As Dr. John Lund says, bring your frustrations, distrust, upset and fear to God. Bring your love (and your requests) to your spouse.

Work with God in getting to peace. This is the prerequisite to addressing an issue or request with your spouse.

Most of the time this is simply a matter of prayer, long walks and meditation. Sometimes you’re going to need extra guidance. (Click here for some options).

The best treatment I have ever heard on this is in a piece of LDS literature called “Doctrine & Covenants.” At the risk of offending some, may I share how members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints feel that God himself has shed light on the subject of issues management:

“…Influence …ought to be maintained …only by persuasion, …long-suffering, …gentleness and meekness, …by love unfeigned; …by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul …without guile- (& here’s the kicker) reproving (making requests or giving guidance) …with sharpness (with clarity), when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy”— D&C 121:41 (parenthesis & …s added)

"Moved upon by God" highlights:

a) Be moved upon, not by your story, but by love and your commitment to your spouse & to God- by the vision of peace and love God has put in your heart- not your need to vent, not your victim story, self righteousness, or defensiveness- your love.

b) If this isn’t already your ticket to great results, the next little bit cinches the deal. “Then, after providing calm, clear, unloaded, unfettered input or a request THEN (just to make sure He or she gets where you’re coming from), show an "increase of love".

Now we’re getting somewhere! Now the trust is being built. Now a ground work of safety that melts your spouses defensiveness and opens his or her ears and heart is laid. Yay!

7) Enroll vs. Ambush

Let’s talk about this from both ends- the person wanting to talk and the person being approached (the passer and the receiver).

From the passer’s point of view, it is so much easier to make your loved one feel safe by inviting or as I sometimes call it, enrolling vs. spontaneously launching or ambushing i.e. “Honey, I really need t talk about a couple of things, would there be a time that work work for you?”

Unless the receiver enrolls the conversation will likely start with an underlying defensive atmosphere and will lack the feeling of safety necessary to actually hear each other. It will feel, at some level, more like a power struggle than a conversation- with each side struggling to get something inside the other’s brain.

From the receiver’s point of view, if you are not ready for a pass, let the passer know. As much as he or she would like to throw the ball, it’s going to result in a fumble.

Control Tower Theory

Note: "Control Tower Theory" is also discussed in Managing Incoming, but covered here again in the context of a more sweeping view of creating peace.

If an airport isn’t equipped to land a plane, the plane should circle the airport. It might sound like this: “I really want to hear what you’re saying. I don’t know if I’m ready. Could we talk about this at our Weekly Inventory?” or “in 30 minutes?” etc.

Note that not feeling “ready” could be because either

a) You’re not feeling enough emotional space to digest your loved one’s complaint, or

b) You don’t sense the person landing (the person with the complaint) is in a safe state of mind (i.e. there are automatic weapons on the plane).

8) One Issue At a Time

Bringing up multiple issues is like presenting a huge pile of wet leaves to your spouse. Where does one leaf end and the other begin?

To make some headway on issues (or leaves), it's essential to separate them, getting a little air around each one (a little time perhaps, and perspective), then deal with each, one at a time.

The moment you are talking about more than one issue, you risk heading into an enmeshed, impenetrable, black hole from which there is no return.

Note 1: An “issue” is a subject matter which could imply a disappointing performance or flawed character.

Note 2 - You can go on to another issue as long as you fully complete the first one, including a clear agreement.

Stay with the subject introduced at the beginning.  If it goes to 2 issues, shelf the 2nd conversation until later.  See  request list.

9) Own Your Experience (Talk about YOU)

Explain what lead to your current conclusions and therefore your upset i.e. "When you _______ where I chose to go with that is that _____________" and/or "so I felt ________ " etc.

Note: If you're explaining what lead to your feelings, start with an indisputably objective description. Example: "When you walked over to Janice and said something to her at the party, where I went with that is that _______" vs. "When you started flirting with Janice...."  or “when you totally ignored me like you always do” etc.

If you are struggling with coming up with an indisputably objective description, at least speak as tentatively as you can (more below).

10) Express Primary Emotion. Get real. Get Vulnerable!

When you describe your feelings or experience, stay close to the heart i.e. "I felt sad, lost, closed in, panicked, helpless, embarrassed" (primary emotions) vs. angry, disgusted etc. (all secondary) or even worse, "I feel like you are such a ________" (accusatory) etc.

When you're talking about you, your loved one tends to lean in (so to speak) and to listen. When you are talking about your spouse, he or she leans back (and shuts down).

In this light, saying "ouch" (in whatever way you can) can be reconciling and healing vs. "You're always stepping on my foot. Can't you watch where you're going?!"

Get real about your inner world.

11) Speak Tentatively vs. Judgmentally or Conclusively.

The word "tentative" is featured in "Crucial Conversations" (an amazing book on communication) i.e.

• "It seems like…” vs. “you are always…”

• "It sounded like you were saying something like ________" vs. "you said ______"

• "It seemed like you were sort of  telling me what to do, at least that's how it occurred to me" vs. "you are so controlling."

• "It seems like you have a tendency to complain sometimes instead of coming up with a solution" vs. "You’re always complaining."

Note: These phrases may "seem" a bit wimpy.  They're not.  They are underscoring your admission that the world may not be as you see it.  This can be the beginning of peace.

Special Note: The objective world ("the truth"). Remember that the objective world is not your concern.  How things actually are is irrelevant in these kinds of conversations. Understanding how your partner sees it is everything.

Objective world ("the Truth") = Nightmare, Disaster.

Validating each other's subjective experience = Peace.

12) Speak with a Genuinely Peaceful Voice.

How is your spouse experiencing your tone of voice?

There's an old expression: When you are happy, you tend to smile.  And when you smile, you tend to be happy. The same is true with the tone of your voice.  It's hard to get carried away into your story of disappointment, helplessness or being victimized if the delivery of your content at least sounds calm and peaceful.

But a word of caution: Forcing yourself to sound peaceful can result in what Dr. Barbara DeAngelis describes as "tanking"- meaning that the more you repress your negative emotions, the more your spouse's anger "tank" will fill. There's an difference between actually choosing calm & peace and repressing your feelings.

13) Speak in Bite Sized Streams

Whoever is speaking shouldn't stream more than about 2 minutes (at the most) before giving his or her partner a chance to paraphrase, validate and empathize regarding what he or she has said so far etc.

Partner B (the listener) can quickly get lost, or “flooded” as Dr. John Gottman puts it, unless Partner A (the speaker) gives his or her feelings and views in small bites.

I was watering my plant some time ago. It hadn’t been watered in a while so I got large glass and really poured it on. It couldn’t absorb it fast enough and quickly became “flooded" (which kills plants).

I noticed however, that if I would pour in just a little bit, wait, and then pour some more, it could easily take in the whole glass of water.

When you have a large volume of feelings and/or input to share, just give a little bit at a time, slowly, layer by layer.

Note that these "bite sized" pieces (or “layers”) are usually part of a longer stream of communication in which a point of view fully unfolds. The entire point of view can take up to 5 to 10 minutes to unfold, at which point the listener, validates and empathizes and if inspired (if he or she thinks it will be helpful), shares his or her point of view.

Note that if this conversation is about your partner’s poor performance or flawed character, this rule becomes 10 times as important. If it’s about a logistical or household issue (or something of that nature) and not about his or her’s flaws, this is is still a big thing but isn't earthshakingly critical.

14) As Much as Possible, Convert “Issues” into  U.S.A. Requests

Unloaded, Specific, Affirmative

Your loved one just wants a map, that's it (vs. the back story) i.e. "How do I get back to your heart"?

My favorite part of a first meeting with a couple is when after hearing some complaints or concerns asking the husband or wife, "O.K. So what specifically would you like to request of your spouse today?"

This question is almost always met with a blank stare and all the enthusiasm for the complaint is suddenly replaced with dead silence.

Our brains, in fight or flight, don't think solutions or requests. We think in terms of destroy the enemy or fleeing for our lives or curling up in a fetal position on the floor somewhere, rocking ourselves back and forth.

The alternative (the solution) is a request.

But the idea of a specific, actionable, affirmative, request alludes us (in favor of fight and flight).

What's fascinating, especially with men, is how people seem to thirst for requests (vs. the complaints). Agreement 7 in "The 9 Agreements", says "Speak to the possibility, not the disappointment." A man, especially, hold in his heart this simple plea, "Show me the way (specifically) back to your heart!"

This is the peaceful version of yourself- able and willing to do whatever breakthrough work is necessary (i.e. taking a walk, praying, journaling or other processes) to then find that much of what you thought you needed to talk all about (sometimes for hours or even days) can be converted to a U.S.A. request and delivered in a Nightly Check In.

This will usually mean not needing much of a conversation, but if you do, a specific request could be a great place to start.


Note: As true as the above is, it is also true that making a U.S.A. request during Nightly Check In where this request is really just the tip of a huge iceberg, can lead to a disaster.

Be honest with yourself. If something has been building up, do some breakthrough work to take the edge off, then schedule a time where you can have a Peaceful Conversation or Loveseat. Remember to review these guidelines and principles first.

If you are concerned that you need more structure, for a potentially loaded issue (vs. the free flow guidelines of "Peaceful Conversation" (above), use the "Love Seat."  This is often best with a coach at a meeting, but if you're ready to carefully follow the outline, it can go super well just on your own.