Universal Dance of Death

Circle of Love

  1. A woman needs to feel important (first on her husband’s list- reverenced, protected, supported)

  2. A man needs to feel like he’s enough- that he’s a success (encouraged, appreciated, respected)


Dance of Death
As the above circle of love collapses, a dance of death develops…

  1. A woman feels unimportant and criticizes her man.

  2. This makes her man feel like he can never be enough- that he’s failed.

  3. The more he feels like a failure, the less response he is to his wife’s needs (or the more detached)

  4. The less responsive he is to his wife’s needs, the less important she feels and the more critical she becomes.

  5. Eventually, both detach from each other and lean into their lives of quiet desperation, or divorce and find someone else to start all over again, usually with similar results.


Variations on a theme

Most other negative patterns are variations of the above. Please do your very best to write as many negative patterns down as you can. Get them out on the table. Get conscious.


Universal Solution

  1. Notice what you’re doing (See “Dance of Death” above).

  2. Do your best to get back to the Circle of Love.

  3. To support this, learn to make requests and agreements.

  4. Most importantly, for a woman, ask for clarification vs. making accusations.

  5. Most importantly, for a man,
    a) consistently ask what you can do for your wife (be her knight in shining armor) and
    b) either keep your agreements and commitments with her or renegotiate them. Don’t let her down.