Nightly Check-In, consistently pursued, 1) strengthens the bond of your friendship and marriage and 2) provides a forum for guiding each other toward greater marital satisfaction. This is ideally done on a walk but can be as brief as a few minutes while getting ready for bed at night.

.....steer clear of all issues, implications, disappointments, grievances etc. We’ll get to that in our meetings and after your cleanse. Some of the “Chit-Chat” questions below are obviously potentially loaded. Do your best to turn them into honest conversations about your world or his or her world and away from the relationship.

Note that any of these questions can lead to more chit-chat and sometimes you only need one question to get the ball rolling. But other nights, if you're maybe not feeling as chatty, but want to keep it going (which is wonderful), go for another question or two.

The point of the questions is that it’s easy to gravitate to issues, upcoming obligations, scheduling, complaints etc. The questions below are to guide you to dedicated chit-chat at least 5 nights a week.

You may only need 1 or 2 questions- sometimes none if you’ve already got stuff you want to chat about. Note: I’ve been married to Narelle for many years and I still use these questions.

Option A) I Don’t Have Any Requests Tonight.
There may actually be something bugging you right now, but you’ve decided to keep this issue and request on your Request List a little longer and work through some of your upset before bring it up. A great move.

Or perhaps you’ve just decided to water the flowers tonight- not the weeds and to just let it go (whatever it is). Note: Picking this option (“no requests for tonight”) tends to increase your emotional bank account with your spouse. Choose this option as much as possible.

Option B) I have a Request of myself.
Be careful in your response to your partner’s request of himself. Be encouraging, not critical. For instance, your spouse might say, "I have a request for myself tonight. My request is that I get up earlier and get more exercise before going to work.”

You could say something like "That sounds great!" But if your partner says "My request of myself is that I stop being such a whiner", you do not want to say "Boy, that's for sure."  Instead, just smile and be supportive.

Options C) I have a request I’d like to make.
”Would that be alright with you?” (or anything similar).

Make a U.S.A. request (see below). Provide background if needed, which it usually isn’t. If this is a request you’ve made before, ask like it’s the first time (your tone of voice, phrasing, etc.).

Your spouse will know that you know you’ve already requested this (perhaps several times), but hearing it from your lips, like it’s the first time is like violins playing in his or her mind (vs. “As I’ve mentioned a hundred times already, would you PLEASE __________” etc.). This rule of thumb (from Dr. John Gray) is nothing short of pure magic.

Option D) “What do you think my request is tonight? and please phrase in U.S.A. format.” (Note: “D” is a fun option in that it combines the objectives of Option “B” and “C.”)

One or both of you should feel free making a U.S.A. request in Part 2 (Requests). But avoid letting your spouses request trigger your request.

For example, if your spouse says, “Would you be willing to speak a little more gently to my Mother?, you do not want to say, “Would YOU be willing to make me a higher priority than your Mom?!” etc.

Whatever request you bring up in a check-in should not be triggered by what your spouse brought up. Put it on your request list and bring it up later.

a) Agree i.e. "No problems" or "Yes, I'd be glad to do that" or "I'll try my very best to do that" etc.  

b) Agree, with a "please help me" or a "yes, and...

For instance: Spouse requests that you help her get the kids ready for bed. Your response could be something like, "Yes. And there's something that would really help. If for some reason I forget, would you remind me?"

c) Counter proposal
Spouse requests that you play with the kids when you get home from work. Your counter proposal could be "Yes, I want to play with them. Could you give me 30 minutes to watch football first?"

d) Re classify
Nightly Check-In, as you can see by these examples, is for smaller (DEFCOM 4) type issues.

If your spouse makes a request that feels like it really needs some conversation, you could say, "This seems like it needs a *Peace Talk* or *Love Seat.* Could we do that this Saturday on a hike or after church or with John (our favorite couples coach).

e) Request clarification  
Example: Spouse asks you to be more excited when you come home from work. You could ask, "Could you tell me more about how that would look for you?" and/or…

f)
"Honey, I want to really get this. I’d love it if you could help me with an affirmation.” Spouse making the request suggests a brief affirmation i.e. “I love coming home at night to rejoice in my time with my beloved family, especially playing ball with the kids before dinner.” Spouse receiving requests then goes through the affirmation a few times (out loud). Getting help with an affirmation is the perfect combo with “Rehearsal”, below.

g) Rehearsal (Practice makes perfect! 😉)
"Honey, would you mind if we rehearsed this a bit?” etc.  Example: Request is, “Please do not yell at the kids, even if they are out of control.” Rehearsal could include an imaginary situation (with out-of-control kids) with you choosing to be patient, giving guidance, and/or calmly pursuing pre-agreed consequence.

This can be especially fun in combination with “Affirmation” (above) i.e. “I am a tower of peace and guide my family toward love and respect. I am lovingly carrying Tommy to his room for us to talk and/or for him to cool down.”

Make sure you actually pretend to be lovingly carrying Tommy to his room.

…and your spouse asks if he or she can make a request, you can say, "Would you mind if I hear that tomorrow night?" but then make sure you're willing tomorrow.

If things start to go south in "Part 2" (Request), decide ahead of time (together) that either of you can say, "Let's cover this tomorrow, or at Weekly Inventory, or Love Seat or with John."

🍯 Would you be willing to...

🍯 Is it possible that you might be willing to...

🍯 I wonder if you'd be open to...

🍯 Could you be so kind as to...

🍯 Do you think you might consider...

🍯 Do you think it might be possible to________________