Love Seat - Simple Version

Inside Out / Outside In

1) Journal (5 minutes)

Pray for guidance in your journaling first then write for 5 minutes. Ask yourself:

a) Regarding this issue, what am I feeling? i.e. “What I feeling inside is __________________.”

b) With respect to these feelings- what specifically would I like to see happen (very specifically)?

c) What’s missing in me or in my life that could create more security, safety, trust or intimacy and/or that would lead to resolving this issue?

2a) Meditate on these mantras for 2 minutes.

Person who will be sharing: “The first step toward peace is to challenge my conclusions, so I admit in advance that I could be completely wrong in how I see things.”

Person who will be listening: “I may not be seeing things completely as they are. I will be open. I will listen to learn something I perhaps haven’t seen before. Even if I disagree I will have a better map to your heart.”
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2b) Share the above with each other before the first person shares & then again when partner shares.

3) Take Turns Sharing & Listening

One shares, one listens, then switch. If sharing, please speak in brief streams so that your partner can digest one little piece at a time.

💜 Person sharing:

Invite spouse to listen: “Would you be willing to listen, with no other motive other than to understand- even if I’m off and regardless of whether you agree?” (Wait for a response, which is either “Yes” or “Let’s come back to this later.”).

Note: Share your feelings, fears- even your heart ache. Avoid accusations, exaggerations, or blame. Stay with your feelings. Keep it close to the heart. (Remember, “My feelings are in here, not out there.”)

As inspired, challenge your conclusions by asking your partner “So what was going on with this from your side with this?” (whatever the issue is)” This will create a short pause in you sharing and your partner listening which you’ll come back to as soon possible.

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💙 Person listening:

Listen to understand. As inspired seek clarification i.e. “Tell me more about _____” or “Tell me more about when you said _____.”

Hopefully, if your partner shares in smaller streams, from time to time you can validate, “What I hear you saying is _____” or “Based on what you’re saying I can see that this is really hard” etc.

As inspired, offer helpful clarification i.e. “Could I offer some clarification?” (Note: Only offer clarification if you actually think it could make your partner feel better vs. making yourself feel better.)

4) Face to Face

“Face to Face” sentence completion (back and forth):

“What I’m not seeing about this is that ________”, or “What I haven’t been seeing is that ________.” (Go about 6 to 15 times, back and forth). This is what’s called the “Revelation Question” in the 5 Centering Questions- with the idea that the sentence starter triggers the revelation. Don’t think. Just go!

Prelude: Seek inspiration on ways you may be creating this issue. With a prayer in your heart, seek a perspective that causes understanding and solutions vs. more blame & enmity. Look for what you’re not seeing in his or her life that might create more compassion in you. Look for your part in your negative patterns. Look for perspectives, tendencies, or blind spots in yourself that could be at the root of this issue.

5) Specific Request

Something specific you could do that would heal my wound or trigger or fear in this is _______. Would you be willing to _______?

Each makes a request, ideally not allowing one request trigger another.

6) Agreement

Agree to request or talk about it until you arrive at something that works for both of you. i.e. “So yes, from now on I will check with you before making plans with for us.”