How to Respond to a Request

During your Nightly Check-In, or at other times…

your spouse will make a request or two. Knowing the options for responses keeps you proactive, non defensive and ready to come through for him or her.

Here they are (taken from the Nightly Check-In document- here for your special attention):

Options

a) Agree i.e. "No problems" or "Yes, I'd be glad to do that" or "I'll try my very best to do that" etc.

b) Agree, with a "please help me" or a "yes, and..."
For instance: Spouse requests that you help her get the kids ready for bed. Your response could be something like, "Yes. And there's something that would really help. If for some reason I forget, would you remind me?"

c) Counter proposal Spouse requests that you play with the kids when you get home from work. Your counter proposal could be "Yes, I want to play with them. Could you give me 30 minutes to watch football first?"

d) Re classify Nightly Check-In, as you can see by these examples, is for smaller (DEFCOM 4) type issues. If your spouse makes a request that feels like it really needs some conversation, you could say, "This seems like it needs a Peace Talk or Love Seat. Could we do that this Saturday on a hike or after church or with John (our favorite couples coach).

e) Request clarification   Example: Spouse asks you to be more excited when you come home from work. You could ask, "Could you tell me more about how that would look for you?" and/or…

f) Affirmation "Honey, I want to really get this. I’d love it if you could help me with an affirmation.” Spouse making the request suggests a brief affirmation i.e. “I love coming home at night to rejoice in my time with my beloved family, especially playing ball with the kids before dinner.” Spouse receiving requests then goes through the affirmation a few times (out loud). Getting help with an affirmation is the perfect combo with “c” below.

g) Rehearsal "Honey, would you mind if we rehearsed this a bit?” etc.  Example: Request is, “Please do not yell at the kids, even if they are out of control.” Rehearsal could include an imaginary situation (with out-of-control kids) with you choosing to be patient, giving guidance, and/or calmly pursuing pre-agreed consequence.

This can be especially fun in combination with “b” (above) i.e. “I am a tower of peace and guide my family toward love and respect. I am lovingly carrying Tommy to his room for us to talk and/or for him to cool down.”

Make sure you actually pretend to be lovingly carrying Tommy to his room.

Magic 3

These last 3, above, (clarification, affirmation and rehearsal) are what I refer to as the “Magic 3.” Couples spend way too much time nagging and not enough time training.

The advantages of the Magic 3 are:

1) You tend to take the wind out of your spouse’s sales. He or she feels completely heard and validated and experiences your focus on the issue, hence, calming the need to lecture, or continue the “beatings until the morale improves.”

2) With the wind out of his or her sales you can both pay better attention to the actual issue and request, vs. the story or upset surrounding it, and finally…

3) With this extra attention (affirmation and rehearsal), the chances of this issue and request reemerging are greatly lessened.

Overarching Rule of Response

Treasures in the Fire

According to Emil, to come through for your spouse at times like these, you must reach deep inside every accusation, insult, or character accusation and pull out whatever truth you can find and show her you understand. 🥰

Here’s how Bryon Katie puts it: "If you tell me that I’m mean, rejecting, hard, unkind, or unfair, I say, “Thank you... I can find all these in my life, I have been everything you say, and more. Together we can help me understand. Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? So look into my eyes and tell me again. I want you to give me everything.”

The reason this Byron Katie quote is so stellar is because it sets the bar. It's an almost impossible bar (I get that), but the closer you can get to this bar the faster you will get to healing hurt feelings and arriving at solutions and agreements.

Extra Reading - Click here for the whole story on “Managing Incoming.”