Love Map

Speaking each other's language (Love is fun 😍)

Part 1 - Background

We tend to attract into our lives the person who is least likely to play the part we most need played. What do you need the very most from your spouse? Probably things he or she has been struggling to give. According to Harville Hendrix, there are two reasons we do this:

1) We marry someone who reminds us of a parent or caregiver who may have, to some degree, let us down. In this strange destiny (according to Hendrix), our attraction to a prospective spouse provides an opportunity for someone, by proxy, to come through in areas you were let down.

2) The 2nd reason we choose “hard” (as Anita Towner puts it) is a spiritual instinct toward whatever it takes to grow and refine. Scott Peck, in his book “The Road Less Traveled” says that there are 2 reasons we marry 1) to Procreate and 2) Friction and the growth that this friction leads to.

Certainly, the perfect mismatch (your marriage) provides all the friction necessary for the growth we yearn for. The problem is that even though we are drawn to each other in order to heal and grow, as poor choices are made, the relationship friction and heat get turned up, and so does the hurt. Sadly we end up breaking each other’s hearts, not healing them.

This heart breaking tendency takes the place in “double binds” i.e. wife needs husband to validate her feelings. Husband needs wife to be more affectionate. The less validating husband is, the less affectionate wife is.

There are lots of double binds, but this is basically how they all look. The fire says, give me more wood. The wood says, give me more fire, and there the fire sits, going out. And there the wood sits, missing it’s purpose.

The heart of the solution is to identify what your loved one most needs from you- one or two things you can focus on to heal his or her historic wounds.  In focusing on what your spouse has asked you to focus on- getting closer and closer to mastering his or her love language, you will, day by day, heal his or her’s heart and visa versa.

But more importantly, according to Hendrix, you will have discovered the missing and lost piece of your own soul, which is, the very thing he or she is requesting from you- the perfect plan.

The formula and the miracle In general, speaking each other’s love language, even a little, can heal lifelong doubts and wounds. At an even deeper level, our soul’s mantra becomes “As I give you what you need, I grow. As you give me what I need, I heal.”

The Love Map exercise and notes is to heighten your awareness of your spouse’s love language. I recommend revisiting “Love Map” (below) and your “Particulars” list from time to time, especially during a “Monthly Private Retreat.”

Part 2 - Questionnaire & Share

Getting a Better Look at Your Needs.

Instructions:

1) Each of you, determine about 2 to 3 actions from each list with a total of 10 to 20 actions all together. Your choices reflect ways your spouse can best speak your love languages.

Click the green + signs on the left for complete lists. (Special Thanks to Dr. John Lund and Dr. Gary Chapman- the original thought leaders on the idea of “Love Languages.”)

2) Now that you've got a list of 10 to 20, circle your top 3 to 5 Love Language actions.

3) Read and if helpful, briefly explain your top 3 to 5 love-languages to each other, including what this language looks or sounds like i.e. ”I really love back rubs. How that looks for me is at least 5 minutes, with lotion, nice & easy, not like a professional” or ”Taking walks together is huge for me. How it looks for me is at least 20 minutes, holding hands and chit chatting."

Preface what you share with “What I share with you now is to provide clues I believe you want about what reaches me the best. I realize the many ways, through the years, you've already been trying to speak my language. Thank you so much for letting me clarify my needs even more. Going forward, I consider any and all your efforts to speak my language a huge win for our marriage!”

4) List your spouse’s top love languages in a note called “The way to my spouse’s Heart” (or whatever you’d like to call it). This is for you to regularly meditate and act on. Use google docs, evernote, or todoist, or your paper planner. You may want to record his or her top 10, keep the top 3 to 5 at the top of the list.

5) List 1 or 2 ways you will speak your spouses’ love language in your Habit Tracker or Google Calendar i.e. “Buy wife flowers” (Weekly), “Give husband 3 hugs a day, whether I feel like it or not." etc.

6) Stay on target - Celebrate every moment you succeed in speaking his or her love language. Remember, it’s not about what you didn’t do, it’s about what you did do. Thank God that you are learning to love the most important human being you can love while on earth! Be encouraging to yourself and to him or her in this wonderful journey. Lead and guide each other, tenderly, sparingly and as inspired in your Nightly Check-In and Weekly Inventory.

“…also…ships (relation ships), which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds (many potential issues and wounds), yet are they turned about with a very small helm.” James 3:4 (parenthesis added)

The small helm, following a better understanding of each other’s needs, is Nightly Check-In and Weekly Inventory.

Supreme Rules of Love Languages

1) If you are guiding your loved one to speak your language:
John Gray's rule: Each time you make a request, make it like it's the first time you've ever made this request.  In love languages, this is the most important rule of all.

2) If you are working on speaking your loved one’s language:
Ask yourself each day, “What can I do to speak my spouse’s love languages?”