CGPS Mantras (Listen & Discuss)
These Mantras represent all the prime destinations of "Couples GPS."
Through the coming weeks and months, while walking, or just sitting together, play and meditate on these Mantras. Without implicating your spouse in anyway, talk about what it would feel like to live these principles. We suggest reviewing these frequently, even if you're currently on your game.
For best results, picture yourself doing what you're saying (or listening to) and as much as possible and feel what it will feel like.
Part 1
Almost all of my conversations with my spouse are to get to know him or her, to share perspectives and feelings, to hold space for each other in life questions and personal challenges, and to enjoy each other (vs. issues, complaints, disappointment or trying to get my way etc.).
I take my upset, disappointments, distrust and angst first to God and to my "Request List" and later, my requests to my spouse.
In meditation, prayer and "breakthrough", I work out whatever stories I'm experiencing (i.e. victim story, helpless story, villain story etc.) in order to restore myself to at least some degree of underlying trust before talking with my spouse about an issue.
I ask God to reveal to me my spouse’s good intent.
Through revelation, I see & trust my spouse’s good intent.
Before talking with my spouse about a concern or issue, I invite him or her into the conversation vs. ambushing him or her.
Instead of anger, judgement, complaining or accusing, I seek clarification i.e. “Tell me about ___________", or "what happened at __________________ when you ___________or when you said ______________. What was going on with you at that time?" etc.
Instead of nagging, invalidating, threatening, fighting or trying to get my way, I make specific, affirmative requests and continue to guide my spouse to something that can work for both of us.
I make most of my requests during “Nightly Check-In” or "Weekly Inventory."
In his/her real self, my spouse wants to come through for me.
I love, trust, encourage, cheerlead and cherish my spouse.
I work through difficult conversations through Peaceful Conversations or Love Seat (guided communications).
I mind my business (my choices), not his or hers.
I discover & consistently speak my spouse’s love language.
I give 2 to 5 positives to my spouse for every comment I make that could be construed as critical or disapproving (i.e. "I'm grateful for _____", or "Something I really enjoy or love about you is", or a compliment etc. {or, if my spouse will accept it, a hug and kiss})
I lovingly and respectfully validate my spouse's point of view, even if I see it differently vs. making him or her wrong.
At the same time, I'm committed to finding a solution that works for both of us. (I don't have to make him or her wrong to do this.)
I am deeply committed to our relationship working for both of us.
I will peacefully and respectfully stay in difficult conversation(s) as long as necessary and return to the conversation as many time as needed until we arrive at a solution that works for both of us.
In working out solutions, I consider each of our objectives, free myself from "A / B thinking" and continually search for a third alternative (Option "C").
I'm committed to the objective, not my absolute one and only way to reach this objective.
My spouse is never in the way of my happiness. He or she is the way. (See below)
In certain ways, I have attracted into my life (in this marriage) the person who is least likely to play the part I most need played (and visa versa). Through this "perfect storm", I'm learning to give and love in a way I might not of with someone else, and in this, I am becoming the best version of myself possible and at the same time, am part of healing my spouse's heart.
At the same time, my spouse is learning to give and love in a way that he or she might not of, and is part of healing my heart. Through this, God is making weak things strong in each of us, and bringing us home to Him.
At one level of thinking, almost all conflict truly is an agreement waiting to be made.
Whenever I am upset its almost always because I have unclear or weak boundaries.
My "boundaries" are the answer to the “5 Centering Questions" - questions I live in.
💙 What am I willing to do? …("Pro action question") - This question is my "get out of victim jail card" and brings me "back into my body"- back to my own business (my choices)- not his or hers.
💙 What am I not willing to do, or endure? What am I not comfortable with? What doesn't work for me? This is the "Self Honesty and Self-determination Question" - assisting me in noting where he or she ends and I begin- to experience myself as a distinct and separate person with a willingness to love my neighbor as myself. This question heals me from the illusion of helplessness, returns me to a sense of self-determination and even further out of my victim story.
💙 What do I feel would be the best for everyone, including me? …(the "Win Win" Question) often including a cost/benefit analysis as I review the first 2 questions now through this lens. This question, especially, creates balance and wisdom and opens my heart to win win possibilities.
💙 What am I not seeing? ...(the "Revelation Question"). What am I not seeing, even in this very moment, as I'm asking this? What's another way of looking at this? (This question invites a more complete view of the situation- moving you away from limited thinking toward even more possible solutions).
💙 What do I want? or What would I like to see happen? (This is the "Perspective Question"- instilling a deeper look at and awareness of your life goals visions). The other 4 questions are viewed through this lens.
Part 2
If my spouse falls off the wagon and starts to open fire in some way, through the grace of God, I will look for how I am "guilty as charged" vs. becoming defensive. (Note: If my spouse's communication begins to feel abusive, I will get some time-out. There is a line between lava gently flowing from a volcano and the volcano erupting).
When I'm running low in emotional space, I do breakthrough work.
I work through interpersonal issues only when we both feel it's a good time to talk.
I either clear my spouse's "landing" (his or her need to talk "right now"), or ask him or her to perhaps circle the airport while I get myself ready for our conversation. This may require a walk, maybe even some breakthrough work and some time out (even if it's just 5 minutes).
I use Habit Tracking and Habit Stacking to insure my success in speaking my spouse's love language. Speaking his or her love language is a premiere priority for me.