Loveseat - notes

Return to Love Seat (Clarification)

• I know it seemed like I was a little focused in my conversation with Becky at church. She’s been dangerously depressed recently. I was suggesting several resources. Perhaps next time that happens I could bring you into the conversation. You would have been a great support for her.  

• When kids asked me to play the other night and I seemed too busy, I’d just received a text from my boss with some bad news at work and needed to reach out to some people to prevent further problems. I know it seems like I put the family last sometimes. I really will try to handle everything I can at work. I’ll make it up to the kids tonight.

• It’s not that I don’t want to be sexually intimate with you. It’s not about you. I’m just so overwhelmed with what’s going on with my Mom lately that I have kind of shut myself in a little. Let’s plan some time right now for just you and me.

Return to Love Seat (Clarification)

Important Notes:

• For now, you may not “buy” each other’s clarifications or apologies. Do you best. Keep sharing. Keep listening.

• If you think you’re even close to understanding each other’s experience (from each other’s point of view), your best efforts need to be good enough! Your spouse should always get an “A” on this (especially If he’s a man).

• When you are the one listening, keep the conversation and validation going as sincerely and humbly as you can. Your spouse is desperate to feel understood and cherished.

• Regardless of how well your spouse has done so far, you should be at about 10 MINUTES. The exception to this is if you are deeply enjoying getting to know each other. What we’re trying to avoid here is a “never good enough” mental state from either side.

Return to Love Seat (Clarification)

For instance,

1) If Wife’s issue and share is about husband not helping enough with chores, Husband’s issue and share might be frustration about his wife’s ambiguity on what needs to be done.

2) If Husband’s issue and share is about lack of sexual intimacy with wife, Wife’s issue and share might be about husband’s involvement in Pornography. \

Click here to return to Love Seat (Understanding & Clarification)

Loveseat is inspired by many authors, but mainly, Harville Hendrix, Sue Johnson and Arbinger. For a deeper understanding of this kind of conversation, read “Getting the Love You Want” and/or “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson and/or “Bonds that Make Us Free.”

Unless you really feel ready, do not try this at home (at first).  Do this with a coach, at first..
When you do finally do this on your own, bear this in mind: You're not going to get out of this conversation unscathed.
From 0 to 2 years old, we determine to trust or not trust. Most of our "not trust" is in the context of marriage. Marriage brings out the best in us (as we learn to trust), and the worst (as we revel in our distrust).

Compassion comes easier, even in conflict, as you realize that it isn’t your differences that is causing your conflicts, it is your underlying lack of trust- and don’t blame him or her for it! You are mirrors of each others in distrust- a mutual distrust that distorts each other’s weaknesses in each other’s eyes. With this in mind, note that your spouse's opinion of you is not going match your assessment of yourself and this will take some time to work through.

Loveseat and Peace-Talk
The other thing to keep in mind is that sometimes you're going to shift and drift between Loveseat and Peace Talk and that there aren't necessarily any strict formulas. There's elements of both that you can choose from, the main criteria being that unless it is peaceful you need to come back to it.

The Peace Talk is an invitation into the Articles of Peace. Loveseat is a structured treatment of these articles in the face of a potentially HIGH VOLTAGE conversation.
Notes on describing your experience.
Being able and willing to "headline" this issue, or to reduce it to one phrase or sentence 1) makes it easier for your partner to receive what you're talking about, 2) assist you both in staying on one issue (the one you've announced) and 3) assists you in finally landing on a U.S.A request.

Use these notes as inspired.  Get familiar with them so that you can both guide the conversation along what you feel will be the most effective path.  For instance, you may be inclined to skip to the Accounting Pool and to simply move forward toward creating a new agreement.  You may feel inspired to take Sue Johnson's approach and go directly to describing the dance and then on to an agreement.  

Having said this, if in doubt, the best way to use this just as it is and word for word - like a script, embellishing only as inspired. 

90% of issues management is created through your own personal breakthrough and your Nightly Check In.  The “Love Seat” is for volatile issues that could easily get out of control.   

Sharing Your Experience: Stay Close to the Heart  According to Dr. Sue Johnson, underneath all conflict and upset is a fear of detachment- a fear of being disconnected from or unimportant to your love source.   

The good news about romantic love is attachment.  Through kind of an “imprinting” process we choose and hold on to each other as a preeminent source of personal security i.e. marriage! Yay! The bad news is about romantic love is also attachment. When attachment is threatened, all hell can break loose.   

How do you avoid this? As you describe your experience, resist the temptation to implicate your spouse. Why? Because if he or she feels this is about his poor performance or flawed character, he or she will feel not good enough to be loved by you, which triggers abandonment, which leads to all hell breaking loose.

Stay close to the heart.  For instance, “when you didn’t call me from work yesterday, like you usually do, where I go with this is that I feel like I don’t matter”, then go on to the next level i.e. “So I feel really afraid, lost, alone, like there’s no hope, like I’m dead, traumatized etc.”  Get down to it man! (or woman). This is what it’s about.  

The quicker you can face and share your fears around disconnection, the less you implicate your spouse, the clearer the path will be to resolution (from both your perspective and your spouses).  

Validation  
a) This is not about whether you concur with your partner's experience of what happened.  The objective truth is almost entirely irrelevant.  Your job is to simply understand. 
b) It’s easy to go right for offering clarification. Avoid this temptation. 
c) An apology may or may not make sense at this point, depending on the clarification you’re planning (if asked) i.e. “Oh, that wasn’t my secretary, that was my sister Louise.  She’d just flown into town and surprised me.”  
    If you do decide to apologize, take courage!  Remember that through the love and sacrifice of Christ, the humble, repentant heart will always be made whole.  He's got your back (your past), if you're willing to honestly see how you may be showing up.
   Keep in mind, you can always apologize or at least show compassion for what your spouse is feeling, even if you disagree with why he or she is feeling this way i.e. "Honey, I am so sorry that you've been going through this" etc.

Notes to Listener: Please be encouraging. Validation is hard.  

For a woman, finding a solution isn’t as important as discussing the problem.  
A woman needs to know that you fully understand what she's feeling.  It is through a man's diligent effort to open his mind and heart to her that she feels understood and to some degree, healed.  

It follows that in feeling understood she feels cherished and safe.  Only then is she able to go on to a solution.  For in the larger sense, being understood is the solution she is seeking. 

The bind comes in that the more a woman describes the horrific nature of her man's behavior- the results, the history, the details, the implications about his character etc., the less able a man is to actually hear what she is saying. In this, a valiant effort must be made on both sides of this potential train wreck.  

Apology - Notes

• Go deep.  Make no mistake.  You cause your world.

• Sorrow is about my love for you.  Shame is about my hate for me.

• Partners can, by the spirit, guide each other in what to apologize for.

• Whatever apology is offered needs to be good enough.  This is key! 

Please Help Me  Partner B, do NOT let your “please help me” launch another issue.  This must be an unloaded, politely stated, non-triggering “please help me.” If it does seem to be a headline for another "Love Seat" please write it down on your request list and don’t bring it up now.

Note: Some agreements are implied by the requests made, so long as there are no objections to the request.

Respectfully develop a “win/win” solution  
What’s a way you can both have what you need?  Don't get stuck in a specific way to get what you need.  Jump back a little bit.  "What is another way we can create, together, what we both need?  What is a new idea- a new level of thinking- an entirely different approach to this issue that would result in us both having what we need?"  Try not to compromise.  As Covey puts it, compromise is lose/lose.  Keep respectively brainstorming as long as it takes.  This process, and the character it can build is even more important than the personal objectives you're seeking.  

Take a recess if necessary.  You have made huge progress to have come this far!  But if the ideas aren't coming, take a break!  Make an appointment to come back to it.  In the mean time you will be surprised at how ideas or approaches that just didn't seem available flow into your mind.  Kind of a like what they say about trying to get pregnant.  Once you stop fretting about it, it seems to happen.

Centering Questions to Answer in Negotiating Solutions

I’m willing to:  
a) What I’d be willing to do is ____________.  
b) What feels good to me is ____________.  
c) I’d love to _________.  
d) I think what could really work is ______ 

I’m not willing to:  
a) What I’m uncomfortable with is ____________.   
b) I’m not sure what else to do __________.   
c) I wish I could think of something else.  
d) I don’t think I can _________ any more (or any further). 

What I feel would be best is:  
a) What I feel would be best for everyone is _________.  
b) I know this is hard.  Nevertheless, I think the best solution is _________.  

What I’m not seeing is: 
a) What I am not seeing is that ____________.

What I really want is: 
a) What really want is __________ (i.e. more "us time", "less blame" etc.) 
b) What I see for our relationship is ________ (describe your vision) 

Checking in Ask things like this during the negotiation
1) What do you think you might be willing to do?  
2) What do you feel the most uncomfortable?  
3) Tell me more about your feelings about ____________.  
4) What do you feel would be best for everyone?
5) Is there another way (other than the 2 options we're discussing)... Is there a "3rd Alternative that would insure us both getting what we need?  
6) Would you be willing to keep brainstorming with me? 

Respect and Synergy
Creating a way for both of you to be happy with something
Respect and Synergy is the final stage of a “LoveSeat”, or, can be a process on it’s own (without the “LoveSeat”).  If this is an emotionally discharged issue, you may be fine just doing “Respect and Synergy.”  If things have been heating up about the issue, do it as the final stage of your “Love Seat.”

The concept is simple, yet, if achieved, one of the very most powerful elements of a successful marriage.  Your position, should you choose this process, is healing and comforting: “I am willing and would like to take as much time as we need, to talk about this issue until we both feel comfortable with the resolve.”

Respect
You must both be willing to 100% respect each other’s feelings, opinions, perspective, beliefs and point of view.  No one is wrong.  No one is right.  Without this, the process is impossible.

Synergy
With respect as the groundwork, synergy becomes an amazing possibility.  So knock yourself out!  If there are no wrong answers or solutions or proposals you can just keep brainstorming and talking until one of you falls asleep, or you have a solution.  

Return to Love Seat (Creating Agreement, including Boundaries & Restitution)

Examples: “Jim, the next time you insult me in front of your friends, you can count on me disappearing for the rest of the night. You can also count on us not having friends over until I regain some trust.” 

“Betty, if you have lunch with Barry again, I don’t know what else to do other than consider that you may not be serious about our relationship.  At that point, a separation might be best for a while.” 

Note: Living within boundaries is to help someone you love see how close he or she is to the cliff. This is love- to show someone the distance-- how certain things move him or her closer and how much closer, and how certain things move him further away from the cliff and restore trust. 

Please note though that the best boundary often is “If this happens again, I will do my best to forgive you again.” But in answer to the centering questions, you decide i.e. “If this happens again, what you can count on from me is…. If it happens after that, what you can count on from me is….” etc. Lay out the territory! 

Make a clear world and a clear pathway to your heart. i.e. “The next time you raise your voice with me you can count on me going out that night to a movie with one of my buddies. Unless restitution is made, if it happens again you can count on me leaving for the weekend” etc. (whatever you intuitively come up with as you go through the “centering questions” - “What am I willing to do, What am I unwilling to do and what do I think would be best for everyone involved”

Return to Love Seat (Creating Agreement, including Boundaries & Restitution)

Restitution 

Partner A and/or B suggests some ways that B could restore good will and trust. i.e. take her out to dinner, or a weekend getaway, shopping spree, finish an unfinished project by Saturday, do the dishes every night for a week etc.

The thing that’s so cool about restitution it is that it doesn't need to relate to the original wound. Any deposit into what Stephen Covey calls your “emotional bank account” with someone, creates trust. Your partner sees, in your restitution, that you are serious about wanting to care for him or her. Your partner begins to trust your care and within that trust, love begins to flow again. 

One person's needs for restitution (to find your way back to his or her heart) may be very different than another person.   My wife Narelle, for instance, if I've been impatient (which has happened from time to time), will ask for a foot rub.  If I'm offended by something Narelle has said or done I will ask for a kiss (which she gladly gives). 

Asking for restitution is counter-intuitive for most people.  In coaching a couple recently, I was surprised as this woman turned to her husband, in kind of a disbelief that he would ever be interested in restitution.  It is this disbelief of course that leads to our tendency to verbally draw blood from someone i.e. "If he or she is not willing to find a way back to my heart and back to my trust, I will settle this account the best I can by presenting as much evidence as I can as to how self absorbed, or thoughtless etc. he or she really is."  It's a strange tendency.

I looked at this woman's husband.  Even the thought of giving her a foot rub, vs. facing a multi hour (or even day) stream of disappointment or upset was lighting him up like a Christmas tree.  She looked at him and said something like, "You would do that?... if you talk to me in a disrespectful way, or are rude to me, you'd be willing to give me a foot rub?"   I was so anxious for her to see this new vision for her life that I jumped in.   "Diane" (I'll call her), "There's a big difference between restitution and an execution."  We all laughed about that because it's so simple, so true and yet so over looked.

Return to Love Seat (Creating Agreement, including Boundaries & Restitution)

End of notes.

Enjoy "Love Seat."