PROPRIETARY INFORMATION for Mastery & Couples GPS participants ONLY: For your convenience, not all pages have passwords. We ask that you do not share pages with friends or family. Instead, please invite them to our training events, where they can get the support needed for these materials. THANK YOU!

1. Managing Incoming

2. Good News!

3. Three Options for Incoming

4. Option 1 - Clear the landing (even if the plane is on fire)

5. Option 2 - Delay the landing (your landing strip isn’t ready)

6. Brief Statements for Delaying Communication

7. Rehearsal

8. Option 3 - Work it out (Clear the landing & board the plane)

“Incoming” or “open-fire” refers to unexpected input regarding one’s poor performance or character weakness. This can cause “flooding” (an expression coined by Dr. John Gottman) meaning: “I’m getting overwhelmed and defensive. I’m going down. May day. May day. Please, no more for now.” This can present a paradox.

On one hand, it’s so important that your partner feels free to speak his or her mind and heart when his feelings are most present- otherwise he or she will bury these feelings and be less able to talk through interpersonal problems and solutions. On the other hand, “open fire” (criticizing your spouse, especially when it comes without warning or preparation) is almost always destructive and moves you further, not closer, to the solutions you are seeking.

This paradox is only solved with immense patience, consideration, discernment, and commitment.

Managing “incoming”, with the above in mind, leaves you with several choices (discussed below)- the overarching themes being a) even if an airplane is on fire- if you are willing, you could still clear a landing. But b) Even a feather landing on a pile of stress or lack of emotional space can cause a meltdown. Only you can decide what you feel is best.

When you are not feeling ready for input, especially if your spouse is leaning more toward criticizing you, rather than sharing his or her’s inner world of fears and concerns, you will want some brief, clear statements to navigate your communication toward safety and peace.

Before providing examples of these kinds of statements and options please consider setting yourself up for success by giving your spouse some very good news, below.

Managing Incoming TOC / Couples GPS Index

Managing incoming requires pre-support- support you probably won’t get in the heat of a conflict.  

Wait for a quiet moment. Invite your spouse to give you his or her attention for a few minutes. Sit next to him or her, take his hands in yours and read the statement below to him or her, looking into his or her eyes as much as possible:

"Honey, I want to give you some very important and very good news.  It's in two parts: 
  
1) I have never been more committed. No question about it. I'm here for you. I promise we will work out every single issue we have, one by one.
 
2) (even better news). I'm going to be faithful to the principles of peace I'm coming to see are so important. So, when I am uncomfortable with our communication (no matter who's fault it is), or if I’m low in emotional space and struggling to manage criticism, I will let you know and we will have to either instantly get to a peaceful conversation or come back to the issue later.  And I promise, we will keep coming back to our issues as many times as it takes to work everything.

See Brief Statements for Managing Incoming below.

Managing Incoming TOC / Couples GPS Index

As mentioned, "incoming" is not black or white. Additionally, in the realm of criticism, it comes in different forms and intensity i.e.

• Blatant criticism (pure, open fire)

• Implication of poor performance.

• Implication of flawed or weak character.

• Lecturing or providing “helpful” input when a lecture or input was not requested.

• Facial expressions or any other non verbal communication implying poor performance or flawed character.

Any of the above, regardless of what level it as at i.e. 1 to 10 (10 being the highest) could be considered "incoming" or “open fire.”  To further understand this term, note that fire in a fireplace (communication contained in good protocol) will warm your home and your lives. Fire that is not contained (i.e. on the rug or furniture vs. the fireplace) tends to burn your lives down, even if it as at a "1" (from 1 - 10).   Fire (working through your issues) needs to be contained within a fireplace (within protocol).  

Bear in mind, your business- your commitment is not to keep others from open firing- it is to respond to it in whatever way you feel will create the most good, in the long run.  

3 rational RESPONSE options to incoming

Option 1) Listen (Clear the landing)
Option 2) Postpone the communication (Delay the landing)
Option 3) Work it out (Board the plane)
Default choice (if you don't choose one of the above) 
Option 4) Insanity (fight, flight, give up, war) 

What am I saying?  Choose. 
Before you default to insanity (fight, flight, resign, war etc), choose what you feel would be best in this moment.  

What do you think would be best?  What is it you want to create?  What's realistic for you?  How possible is it that God could take your hand and lead you into Option 1 or 3 (listening and/or working it out) vs. 2 (postponing).  Only you know.  It will be different answers at different times for different people.

Act with discernment.  Know your limits.  

Here’s the miracle: The more you stay with the Couples GPS program, the more you will be inclined to choose #1 or #3 (listening and/or working it out).  Be grateful if you succeed in choosing listening and/or working it out 1 out of 5 times in your early stages of progress.

With this in mind, here is another paradox your spouse and you may have to face: On one hand it’s vital that your spouse respect you as your own “control tower” (more on this below). On the other hand, if you are never clearing a landing, then she will conclude that the control tower itself is on fire, which itself, could be a deal breaker- which brings us to option 1 - if at all possible, clear the landing.

Managing Incoming TOC / Couples GPS Index

OPTION 3 includes listening, talking and working it out.

OPTION 1 is fundamentally for you to just listen i.e. “Honey, let me sit down here and I’m going to just listen."

You can choose option 1 (listening) even if at first, in the face open fire, you became defensive i.e. "Please forgive me. I think I've been taking what you're saying personally. Let's start over.  I really want to hear you.”

According to Dr. John Lund, you may also want to ask, “How long do you think you'll need?"  Note that it might take a while for your spouse to talk through his or her frustrations etc., but what a gift to your spouse to be willing to listen! Also note that by asking this (“how long?), your spouse will be more inclined to limit his or her time to something reasonable, i.e. 5 to 20 minutes.

Now, listen! - with no other purpose other than to understand.  Sharing your point of view or feelings is not a condition for you listening to his or hers with Option #1.  This is a gift.  Give wisely.

Note that in a stabilized relationship, where you are truly tuned into each other’s needs, option 1 (vs. 3) isn’t chosen very often. Option #1 is chosen when you guys have fallen out of sync with each other and feelings are getting raw. These are moments when your spouse has reached a breaking point and needs to let go, fully and completely.

Moreover, option 1 is when you honestly think it would bless your spouse to just let it all out- including his or her distrust, frustration, disappointment, hurt or anything else you feel he or she needs to release. This is a rare moment of possible blessing. Usually this kind of emoting is best between your spouse and God or, in a conversation where you would both peacefully talk and listen (Option 3).

You’ll know when you have an option 1 moment. And you will both feel fulfilled if you jump on the opportunity.  

If, later, you feel it would be productive to cover both sides of whatever issue your spouse has brought up, you can have a Peace Talk or Love Seat (option 3) - just not now.  [Read more about listening by clicking on Path of Peace Basics and scrolling down the page].

Note: The reason you say something like "Honey, I'm going to sit here and listen..." etc. is to enroll yourself and therefore maintain a sense of personal choice vs. feeling put out by someone else's story.  Self enrollment says: "I'm a volunteer, not a victim”- very important distinction.

Managing Incoming TOC / Couples GPS Idex

Remember, you are the control tower.  

Be clear on who you are allowing to land, and where and when.  Pay attention to what you're picking up on your radar (the level of your partner's upset or stories).  Are you ready for it?  Are there already too too many planes piled up?  Can you handle the landing?  Is there an oil spill in your frame of mind that needs cleaning up first? etc. 

With this in mind, if you feel uncomfortable with an incoming conversation, apologize and then either decide to listen anyway (Option 1) or put off the communication - one or the other.  You are the control tower.  It's very important that you remember this.  You alone should decide, and need to decide.   

Often, your first order of business, could be to apologize.  After all, it is you that chose to take it personally [whether it was intended to be personal or not].   

Having taken responsibility for your feelings, it’s possible that you may suddenly feel willing to listen. (Option One).

But, if you're out of the emotional space or still feel flooded, say anything close to the statements below (next section).  Please note that if you need to literally take out your phone and read one of these to your spouse, word for word, this would be better than a complete pile up on a landing field.

Managing Incoming TOC / Couples GPS Idex

If your spouse is triggered and the lava begins to flow and if you feel ready and willing to quietly and lovingly listen, you will both be blessed. But if you don’t have the emotional space you think you need- if you don’t feel ready for the input, complaints or criticism, here are some statements to help you navigate the communication toward safety and peace.

1) "I don't think I'm comfortable talking about this right now” or, “I’m flooded” or “I’m not feeling well” etc. “Could we come back to this in a while? (i.e. 30 minutes, tomorrow,  or with our coach etc.)?" or…

2) “Would you like to join me for 5 minutes of personal prayer and meditation and then see if we can talk?" (or “and then we’ll see where we are.”)   Note: This is not a couple prayer. This is individual meditation and/or prayer, but done in the same room with each other so as to create support vs. abandonment.  After 5 minutes you can decide, fresh, whether you feel able and willing to listen (clear the landing). Big issues don’t usually get worked out when emotions are high, but sometimes your willingness to listen, even though this may feel like an ambush, can work miracles.

If, on the other hand, if you're at a breaking point, you could just say…

3) "I'm going to go get some time out" or…

4) (in a cascading melt-down) just quietly get up and walk out.

If you are not flooded and decide to clear the landing, consider the Peace Talk or Love Seat  guidelines.


NOTE that options 3 and 4 include some pre-agreements:

a) Pre-agree to come back in a reasonable amount of time at which point you could perhaps even invite your spouse into a short meditation and/or prayer (after your time out).  If you do choose to pray with your spouse please keep it general i.e. "please bless us to progress toward love and consciousness etc." vs. "Please help my wife to pull herself together" etc.  and... 

b) Pre-agree to work with the Walk List and/or  Breakthrough while on your walk.  This will assist you in getting out of “fight or flight.” (Password changes quarterly on our Breakthrough materials. Please text me if you need the password. Love, John (801) 613 8354)

c) Agree to not return to the conversation until you are both ready for a Peace Talk and/or Love Seat.     

Note that all of the above is only if you choose not to listen - not to let your spouse bleed out his or her feelings of upset and disappointment in any way he or she would like.  Only you know what you can handle.  You're the control tower for your airport. 

Managing Incoming TOC / Couples GPS Index

Please consider rehearsing option 2 (delaying the communication) - using any of the above, or, your own phrases.

For example. Start doing the dishes (or even pretending you’re doing them). Have your spouse walk in the room, look at you and say “bad dog, bad dog!” over and over (not yelling, just firmly saying “bad dog” - Face it men, no matter what she’s saying, this is what you’re hearing anyway). Pause, breathe, then say “I’m not feeling well” or “I feel flooded” or “I’m going to get some time out,” grab your phone so you can work on breakthrough, and then walk out of the room.

I promise, you will want to spend time rehearsing this. You are unwinding millions of neural pathways from years of defensiveness, counter-attack, and insanity. You can do this! But it will take practice.

If your spouse isn’t comfortable rehearsing with you, ask another family member, relative or best friend, or, play out different scenarios in your mind (“bad dog” moments). Act them out (when no one is home). See yourself choosing to clear the landing, or, sometimes, delaying the landing and using one of the communications above, over and over.

During tough times, this kind of drill should be run at least 5 times a week.

Rehearsing will feel awkward, but it is a lot less awkward then eventually asking your Mother if you can move back home. Just do it!

Managing Incoming TOC / Couples GPS Index

Choose a guided communication i.e.  Love Seat or Peace Talk (either of which represent a “boarding procedure).

Option 3 is going beyond graciously listening to your loved one vent (which can be a wonderful blessing). It is inviting your loved one into a guided communication- respectfully discussing possible solutions and arriving at an agreement.

Are you ready for this?  Or do you think it might be better to put this off until the emotions have calmed. 

If you decide to work it out, take a deep breath. Pray for guidance.  If your heart is open and your adrenaline is down, you're ready!  Board the plane & start a Peace Talk.

Peaceful Talk - Highlights

• Provide clarification i.e. "I know It seems like ______ but what's happening is _____"

• Seek clarification i.e. "Can you tell me what's going on with you about this?"

• Validate and empathize i.e. "I understand how you could feel that way etc."
  
  See Peace Talk to become familiar with all of the articles of peace. 

Note: What’s even more important that Managing Incoming (this page) is Managing Outgoing. 

Managing Incoming TOC / Couples GPS Index