The Breakthrough Bear
path of peace - Breakthrough
Possibilities for guiding yourself out of blame, anger, helplessness, distrust or despondency into trust, hope, love & enthusiasm.
Breakthrough materials are for Path of Peace participants ONLY. We appreciate your cooperation on this.
Organized from simple/”instant” to deeper/”additional”.
As you get familiar with everything you’ll be able to go to what what would serve you best in the moment.
Breakthrough processes can be used a la carte or within a variety of collages, depending on what you’re working through.
To find things, use index/directory, hyperlinks (in green) and/or “CTRL F” on your keyboard.
INDEX/Directory (Breakthrough options)
1st pick, “go to” breakthrough options
“Walk List” (Breakthrough questions)
Healing Mirror &/or…
Look for Yourself as the Cause (The “Big List”)
10 Step Breakthrough (has it’s own page)
Clearing Sequence (has it’s own page)
Additional possibilities
Service (a premiere breakthrough, therefore in the natural and supplemental options)
Prelude
What we fear or resist, we create. On the other side of the court, what we scratch for or need too much, we dis-create.
If I am afraid of being abandoned, I will unconsciously create being abandoned. This is why we want to stand still long enough to sense feelings, beliefs, or fears that we are denying, resisting, or pushing against.
As I melt my resistance, or push against what I don’t want I begin to attract what I do want.
On the other hand, as I melt my desperation for other things (which is also a form of resistance), I open a path to this thing.
In other words, if my identity or happiness is too tied to my success, or to creating a love relationship then, all that scratching for, and fear about not having success and or love, will block my path to it.
So the first purpose of breakthrough work is to come to a goal, life decision or an an issues conversation absent of resistance and fear- peaceful, understanding, positive, open and hopeful.
The second goal of breakthrough work is as important; becoming aware of and breaking through limiting beliefs. Again, the challenge is being willing to notice your limiting belief without judging it.
Skunk in the Attic
Whether melting resistance to fears or to desires- stories of distrust, or stories of limitations, non-resistance is key.
If a skunk gets lodged in your attic- all set up with his bed & furniture arranged, skunk treats all arrayed and neat, little skunk TV set up etc. he’s happy! The last thing he wants do is to leave his comfy home. Yelling at him or being upset that he’s there isn’t going to help. In fact it will drive him deeper into his pile of straw and grass to protect himself.
Ironically you must coax him out with acceptance and love. “Hey you little skunk, I love you! Thanks for providing me with such a wonderful opportunity for breakthrough and growth. Now let’s get you free from this attic. It’s lonely up here, and all your skunk friends and this whole forest next to my house is waiting for you!”
Your story of distrust or of limitation is the skunk.
Inside out / outside in
Breakthrough occurs in a synergistic result of inside out and outside in. It doesn’t matter where you start.
Example: If I am discouraged about a fight I had with my wife, I could…
a) look for myself as the cause (or other interpersonal breakthrough work).
This would could inspire me to reach out to my wife and ask her how her day was and/or see what I can do for her, which would open up some positive vibes between us, or, I could conversely (outside in)…
b) do the dishes, take her out to dinner and enjoy some get to know you time.
This outside-in action would also make me feel closer to my wife, experience more peace, and perhaps cause some reflection, meditation and/or prayer, and other inside out, interpersonal breakthrough work.
Natural Breakthrough vs. Supplemental
Natural Breakthrough
Prayer Ask God to soften and change your heart. Keep asking, every day, all day if necessary. Because you will not be able to create peace if your heart is “at war” (as they say at the Arbinger Institute). If nothing else makes sense in the supplemental “Breakthrough” disciplines, remember that prayer is always the ultimate breakthrough.
Scriptures Searching the word of God (whatever that is for you) raises us toward God’s level of thinking. The closer we get to this infinite, spiritual realm, the less things bother us and the more able we are to create mutually beneficial solutions with loved ones.
Exercise Exercise immediately floods your bloodstream with all kinds of happy substances like oxygen, and endorphins. Exercises tends to fill your body and heart with positiveness and gratitude. Start walking or running while at the same time thanking God for anything you can think of. Click here for an amazing video on exercise.
Service Serving someone instantly awakens your soul to the reality of another person and frees you from the prison of your self absorption, story, upset or panic. This is particularly effective when serving the person who you have a story about.
Time in Nature or as some call it, a “Tree Bath.” Walk, breath, thank God for having a chance to be on this earth. Get around as many trees as you can. Take them in. Be still, like they are. Be giving, like they are.
Time Letting some time go by can change the way you look at something. Getting a good night sleep is a great combination with “time.” Stop stewing about your story, get some sleep, get up, pray intensely and if you’ve still got a story about something, then do some breakthrough work.
Gratitude - Counting your blessings. And really count them, one by one. List them. List as many as you can. Keep going. It’s amazing how blessed you are. With all those blessings it’s a little harder to find space for your stories or disappointments, isn’t it?
Music Try this one as an example, if you want to instantly be experiencing something different click on this: Bocelli and the Tab choir “The Lord’s Prayer”)
Singing Boyd Packer once said that the quickest way to get something unwanted out of your brain is to sing a Hymn
Spiritual Support Church, prayer meetings etc. We fly better in flocks. If you’re struggling with the idea of organized religion (vs. disorganized religion), please listen to this talk by Pastor Joel. You’ll love this.
A combination of any of the above
Click here for a boat load of pure inspiration. If you’re down for the count and you can just hit “play” you’ll be up and going in now time.
Supplemental Breakthrough or “Breakthrough Discipline” - the focus of this “Breakthrough Book”
Most of the time breakthrough is not something that naturally occurs. It is usually a path that you work toward until something opens up in you. This work can include natural and supplemental processes.
Truly, we can become so entrenched in our “stories” (negative interpretations and lack of trust) that any and all resources may become a necessary part of the hand of God pulling us up and out of our inner mess.
Instructions & tips
1) Natural Breakthrough , 10 Step Breakthrough and the Clearing Sequence are your best options. If you need more, you could consider other options. Note that 10 Step Breakthrough and the Clearing Sequence have their own separate pages.
2) Listening vs. Reading
The Breakthrough Sound Files are for use while driving, walking, or laying in bed at night. The sound files are a greatly condensed version of this book.
3) Breakthrough works naturally with prayer
Prayer itself, is a major inside out, breakthrough work. Additionally, God is the the perfect breakthrough partner for any process mentioned this book. How does this work? Whatever you’re doing, do it with Him. Wherever you’re going, ask Him to lead you by the hand and to be with you. It’s that simple, no matter the breakthrough process.
4) Often, the tools you’re working through (below) will not seem to apply to the issue you’re working on. If you are humble and open you will discover interesting applications. Be inspired. Be creative. Have some fun with all of this.
5) You may be inspired to approach this material differently each time you work on breakthrough. Some issues will lead you toward one possibility, below, and other issues to other possibilities.
6) Don’t be surprised if a sudden, helpful insight occurs to you sometime during your breakthrough work. This is one of the bi-products of melting your story and resistance.
7) Any of these sections can be done verbally, in your mind, or in writing (as you are inspired).
8) Breakthrough Breathing (supporting breakthrough work)
Throughout your breakthrough work (during any and all steps below), gently and naturally breathe in and out through your nose, initially, with a slight emphasis on your exhale. Then, simply return to an awareness of your own breathing, as needed, to center you in whatever you’re working on.
9) About being “Complete”
“Complete”, meaning, you feel like you’ve received the desired value from this section and that any further pursuit of this section would probably deliver a diminishing return. It is also means an intuitive feeling that there is additional value waiting in other sections.
With respect to this (“other sections”): we usually have more work on something that we’re willing to see. On the other hand, don’t limit yourself. Breakthrough, especially when asking God to be your partner, can happen very quickly. In either event, only you can determine when you’re complete with a section or with your current breakthrough subject line.
10) It can be helpful to pick some “Breakthrough Subject Lines” before Breakthrough work i.e. “things I’m resisting, or not wanting” or inner “my current upset with____” or my limiting belief about _____” or resistance to being single, wanting to leave my wife, my current physical weight (or physical shape), my feelings of loneliness or rejection, my discouragement, jealousy, unforgiveness, lack of energy, resistance to (push against, unhappiness with) my current job, bank statement, home, car etc. Click here for more options.
11) The focus of breakthrough work
Breakthrough isn’t just about dismantling your inner experience (i.e. anger) or your outer behavior (i.e. procrastination). Breakthrough is only effective as you work on your subject line (inner or outer) and your resistance to this inner or outer experience. Melting our resistance to what we would like to change is the most power aspect of creating the change.
12) Ratings: It can be helpful to give a number rating to the issue or inner condition at the time you start breakthrough work. And then at the end of your work for the day, or for that month etc. from 0 to 10. “10” means “If I can’t change what I’m feeling about this, I will implode, or stop breathing.” “0” means “I have zero resistance or upset regarding this subject line. I’m at peace and am experiencing overall increased energy.”
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Just Notice
Just notice! “Hey, I think I’ve got a story about this.”
Don’t judge yourself for it. Don’t judge your story. Just notice! Of course it hurts to be in your story. But let this be the pain of sorrow, not self condemnation. You have withdrawn from love. That hurts. That’s a natural, beautiful sorrow vs. the self imposed shame of “What’s wrong with me?! Why do I always have to be in a story about everything?!”
As a practical possibility, if you find yourself approaching any level of conflict or upset, you could take this even further: Interrupt yourself! Explain to this person - "Excuse me. I'm sorry. I've been taking a class lately about these very kinds of moments. I think right now I’m what they describe as 'being in my story.' Would you excuse me? I'm going to go do what we call "breakthrough work" and/or "Let's come back to this once I've dropped my story. In the meantime, what else is going on with you?" (i.e. return to chit chat).
Note “Story”, in this document, refers to an inner experience of distrust.
Victim story I have to endure pain of your misbehavior
Villain* story You truly are the bad guy, not me
Helpless story I’m stuck. I cant do about any of this
Redemption You need to go with my plan for your life so that I’ll feel better about myself. Your behavior reflects on me. If you cooperate, I am redeemed from guilt and “not enough.”
General distrust This universe and everyone in it is clearly against me
Just noticing when you are in any of these stories can be healing and can immediately begin dismantling your story.
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*More about “Villain Story” in the book “Crucial Conversations”)
"walk list" (breakthrough questions)
Consider these questions first. Go to “More Breakthrough Questions” as needed.
P.S. Remember that the longer you walk, the cooler you become.
1) In considering my spouse's behavior, how is he or she just like me? In what ways? What is it that he or she wants, that I also want? What is it he or she is afraid of that I may be afraid of? (See complete content in #4 below)
2) How am I doing to my spouse what I perceive him or her doing to me?
3) What's really going on with my spouse that may be causing this? What is it that he or she needs that perhaps I could assist with or supply. Is there anything else I’m not seeing? What is God trying to show me?
4) Is there a hidden message of love? i.e.
If someone is DEFENSIVE, the hidden message of love could be “I need your love.”
If someone is CRITICAL, the hidden message of love could be “I need to count on you.”
If someone is OBSTINATE, the hidden message of love could be: “I need to feel self-determined, whole & free. If I am the one choosing in my life then I feel like I can choose to love you.”
If someone is INCONSIDERATE, hidden message of love could be: “I’m afraid. I’m alone. I don’t feel good enough for anyone’s love. I don’t have the emotional space to think about you because I’m too busy thinking about how I can get love and approval. I need you to tell me that I’m good enough. I need you to tell me everything’s going to be alright. Underneath my fear and self absorption, I really do honor you. I really do want to break through from my isolation and come through for you. I really do love you.”
If someone is ANGRY, hidden message of love could be: “I feel out of control or threatened. I don’t know what to do. I’m reaching out to you because you are who I need the most. You are who I trust the most. You are who I dump on the most (like right now). You are who I love the most.”
If someone is is APATHETIC (checked out), hidden message could be:“I’m hurt. I’m discouraged. I don’t know what else to do. I’m lost. I don’t know how to find my way back. I’ve never needed you more. I want to love again. I want you to love me again. Please help me.Please find me.I love you.”
Click here for Walk List Recording
WALK-LIST (MORE BREAKTHROUGH QUESTIONS)
1) What kind of story am I telling myself ? i.e.
"If she loved me she wouldn't being doing this."
"I must not be that important to him."
"He or she will never understand what I need."
"I'll never perform well enough to get his or her love or approval."
"Based on what he or she is doing or did, or said, I guess I'm just nothing."
"What's the use? I will never be able to make her happy."
"This is just more proof that he doesn't cherish me, that I'll never be a priority" etc.
Write down, or say, one of the above, or whatever negative thought is tumbling around in your mind and then ask;
"Is what I’m telling myself true?"
Quietly listen for an answer.
Then ask, “So what is the truth?"
Pause and then write or say "The truth is that _______________."
Examples:
The truth is that he or she is afraid that I don't love her.
The truth is, I am a child of God and am safe in His love, even though my loved ones may at times be working through their fears, and even pointing their stuff at me.
The truth is that we simply misunderstood each other and that we need to start that conversation over again when we're both feeling peaceful.
The truth is that my spouse needs more of my patience and more of my loving guidance.
etc. (whatever comes to you).
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2) What is it that I really need from my spouse or partner ? (Facing your dark fears)
When your loved one isn't there for you, in the way you need, you will face a fear of disconnection, which is usually the real issue (not his or her misbehavior). It can be helpful to face this fear so that you don't go off into other trumped up issues, all fueled by this one fear.
So talk directly to this person (in your mind), addressing him or her by name and completing this sentence:
“___________ (his or her first name), what I really need from you is...”
Repeat the sentence again: “What I need from you, so much is....”
Examples:
What I really need from you, is:
...your acceptance.
...your patience.
...your encouragement.
...to know you'll never leave me.
...to feel respected.
...to feel your love.
...to feel like a priority.
etc.
Facing these fears brings you deeper to your inner experience and naturally moves you away from your anger or blame toward your spouse or partner.
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3) To what degree am I wanting something from my spouse (or partner) that he or she is unable or unwilling to give? (So this is a look at how controlling I'm being).
Have I convinced myself that if my partner would just __________ I would feel better?
Is that true?
Can I ever really heal what's hurting inside of me by controlling him or her?
If my spouse cooperated with what I need from him or her, what would that make me feel?
How is making my spouse the solution to problems working out for me, or for him or her? (In other words, If I tend to not feel like I'm enough, how is it working for me to insist that he or she make me feel like I am enough?).
Does my spouse control what I feel?
How possible is it that I already have (or could have) whatever it is I feel I need from my wife?
Am I being inviting and creating enrollment or am I just being controlling?
To what degree am I willing to give up my fit, quiet my mind, draw closer to God and get back to the centering questions?
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4) How is this person's behavior a mirror of some of my own behavior?
What is it that he or she wants or is afraid of that would cause him or her to ____________?
Go deep on this one. The more you can see yourself in your partner, the more negative energy you will release. What is it that he or she wants or is afraid of that would cause him or her to _______ (the behavior that’s upsetting you)?”
“What is it that he or she wants or is afraid of that would make him or her ____________ (whatever you put in the previous blank etc.
Go as many levels as necessary to find the intersection. Ask Heavenly Father to forgive you for the part of you that you have not forgiven in yourself- the part of you you’ve been hiding from the grace of Christ, and consequently, projecting onto your partner).
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5) What am I not seeing?
What am I not seeing? (in general). Wait for an answer. If nothing comes, keep going (below).
What am I not seeing about what this person really wants or needs?
What am not seeing about what this person is afraid of?
What am I not seeing about what I'm afraid of or what I need?
What am I not seeing about who this person really is?
What am I not seeing about who I really am, and what I already have- deep inside of me- regardless of what my spouse is doing or not doing- saying or not saying?
What am I not seeing about what's going on in this person's life?
What am I not seeing about what's going on in my own life?
What am I not seeing about why I am responding like this? or,
Heavenly Father, what is it I need to know?”
”What am I not seeing” can sometimes be amplified in a “Guided Tour”: Ask your Heavenly Father to give you a guided tour through your spouse's heart. Ask Him to lead you into the different rooms of his or her life and experiences, his or her fears, or buried feelings. God can and will show much to the humble and pure heart.
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6) How did I create this problem and/or how am I still creating it?
Which of the following could apply to you?
___ Controlling (bugging, nagging, arguing or trying to get my way).
___ Criticizing, complaining or showing disappointment (even an implication of disappointment).
___ Checked out, not attentive or responsive.
___ Blaming, judging, comparing etc.
___ Too many answers. Not enough questions. Not enough listening and empathy.
___ Not sensitive to his or her needs or feelings.
___ Not putting his or her needs first.
___ Thoughtless, reckless in the way I talk, panicked, angry or hysterical. Not careful.
___ Moralizing and lecturing instead of listening, encouraging and supporting.
___ Being defensive about any of the above, instead of being repentant & apologizing.
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7) How can I be the solution? (List the ways)
Instead of living in blame & looking to my spouse or partner as the cause of our problem and as holding the keys for the cure, how can I cure this? How can I be the solution?
Get present with how compelling your hallucination is that this is about him or her! Pray to be free of this and to have God open your heart to a view of yourself as the cause and pray for the strength to rise up as the solution!
What are some ways you could be the solution?
Consider the following:
___ Apologizing.
___ Initiating a "Love seat" or a "Real Conversation."
___ Mastering "Managing Incoming"
___ Being true to the principles of mutual respect, one issue at a time, using an issues list, issues management meetings and other Path of Peace principles.
___ Praying for humility.
___ Learning to take time out and take a walk vs. firing back.
___ Making sure that his or her needs are met, financially, emotionally, recreationally, sexually and spiritually.
___ Looking for more ways to serve him or her (even asking him or her for ideas i.e. "How can I love you best today?")
___ Asking God to fill your heart with forgiveness, love, leadership, patience, etc. whatever it is you need to lead your relationship on to victory!
From LDS - ARP)
"Is there anything I can say or do, without pretense, which will lead to a respectful solution for me and ___________ (spouse, child, friend etc.)?"
Note: If you still have your knickers in a knot after all of the above (or if you have long standing emotional wounds you are working through), return to Breakthrough Index/directory
For one on one breakthrough training, schedule an appointment with John (Text Narelle @ 801 548 8212).
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Why is this called the “Walk List
There was once a very old man, about 96, living in a small community. A local paper did a story on him. He was asked, “What’s your secret to long life.” His answer: “When I first got married, I promised myself that whenever I became upset with my wife, instead of getting angry or saying something I didn’t mean, I would take a walk. So, all the fresh air is the reason I’m so healthy.”
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Faith and Focus
Moving closer to happiness is determined almost solely by your willingness to see and to move toward what you feel could be your highest contributions to this world. These contributions could be as a homemaker, a professional athlete, as the most valuable member of your workforce you can be, as a full supporter of your local church, as a Father, a neighbor or husband.
Therefore, breaking through whatever doldrums you’re in can happen very quickly by simply returning to your vision- your goals and visions and the steps lead to them.
Consider Faith, Focus and Vision as a first step in breakthrough. If this isn’t speaking to you, skip this section and go to the next (The same thing applies to each aspect of breakthrough).
Say it. “I am _____” and/or “I will _____.”
See it. What does it look like? Who’s there? See a symbol or scene representing this.
Be present to it.
Optional: Sorrow for blocking it.
Return to the vision.
Identify and picture supporting actions (actions that lead to the vision).
Thank God for everything just as it is, and for what is emerging, for the strength He is giving you to accomplish what you are focusing on.
List main actions.
Break down actions into smaller actions.
Put action in calendar and/or in daily Mastery Habits.
Action is usually what removes resistance and doubt. Resistance and doubt are some of the strands that weave your experience of distrust together.
Worse case scenario
This is an age old process passed on by our grandmothers. It’s very effective:
a) Identify what you’re worried about. Get it all out from everywhere it’s hiding. That’s what’s eating you up - worries hiding in the background and shadows. It is what’s unclear and unspoken that causes anxiety.
Get some paper out and say it! i.e. “I’m worried I won’t be able to pay my bills”, “I’m worried no one will like me at my new job,” “I’m worried I will die alone” etc.
b) Whatever it is you’re worried about, just go to the worst case scenario i.e. you lose the house, everyone hates you, you die alone etc. (See note 1 below)
c) Ask yourself “Could I live with that?”
If you’ll be still for a moment and have a little prayer in your heart, you’ll hear the answer.
“Of course you can!” You may not like it, but you will go on, in this life or the next. Your journey will never end, neither will the love you can give, neither will the glory of God ever dry up in your heart and soul. In life or death, just tell yourself the truth.
Example: “What if my husband or I lose our job?”
We may not be able to pay our mortgage.
We could be evicted
We’d have to live in a motorhome, or
We’d have to live with Aunt Millie
Based on the examples above, you could survive your husband losing his job, and even thrive!
Suddenly you emerge from the anxious abyss of the unknown (the “what if?”) to the clear possibility of “I could live with that.” Now, with the extra energy and calm you’ve created you can get moving toward solutions that will keep you from losing your home.
Notes:
1. Read Ecclesiastes for more on this. Solomon will convince you that none of it matters anyway - that in the final analysis, service to others is all that means anything)
If you’re feeling complete with your breakthrough work, stop here. Congratulations! If not, consider redoing this section, returning to a previous section, or going on to a new section for another layer of breakthrough work.
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I did that
Prelude to the Healing Mirror and Self Betrayal Turn-Around” and Looking for Your Self as the Cause
Accountability occurs in hundreds of layers. Even the seemingly cleanest home, if inspected closely, reveals this amazing phenomena. Objectifying, blame and victim are hiding in the closets, the attic, all over the place. They are hiding on you!
Some time ago, my boy Geoffrey was walking through a lobby to one of our meetings. He walked by a coffee table and accidently stepped on a little creamer that someone had dropped. This created an instant mess.
Rather than saying “why aren’t people more careful?”, he said to himself “I did that” and got some towels to clean it up. He explained later, as he reveled in the afterglow, that this one simple moment struck him as the way he wanted to live his life.
Consider the power and freedom in this question “how did I do this?” or, as the apostles put it, “Lord is it I?” Consider the power and freedom of finding as many ways as you can that in fact you did do it.
When we fully address the “beam in our own eye”, we will be rid of our upset, story and reaction to the speck of dust in our loved one’s eye.
Then we will be able to ask the centering questions like “What am I willing to do?” And then to be able to receive inspiration on the answers.
Healing Mirror
The "Healing Mirror” is especially effective for interpersonal issues.
We are hesitant to look at our own personal weaknesses because we equate our weaknesses or negative characteristics as the evidence that we are not lovable. Looking at this “evidence” makes us afraid that we will not be loved. So we do not look.
Thankfully, God often gives us a wonderful gift: Whenever we are upset or irritated by someone else, God is showing us a pathway to something in ourselves that needs our attention - a place where we feel unforgiven, without hope, ashamed or cut off.
The secret of this exercise however, has to do with maintaining your focus on someone else. Deliberately look out, instead of in. Your defense system will often not allow you to accurately look within. But it will allow you to look out, with stunningly clear vision. Let’s do it. Consider what bothers you and find behind this mirror, the hidden treasure of God’s love!
A) Think of a behavior or characteristic that upsets you in someone else.
B) Ask: “What does this person want, or what is it that this person is afraid of that would cause him or her to __________?” (whatever this behavior is).
C) Ask: “What does this person want, or what is it that he or she might be afraid of that would make him want or be afraid of ___________ (whatever you mentioned above)”.
[Notes: Keep going down the path until the intersection between this person’s fears and desires and your fears and desire(s) appears, e.g., “Do I ever want this or am I ever afraid of this? Is what this person feels or wants or fears something I can relate to? How much? Notice that how you seek to accomplish or avoid something may be different from the person you’re focusing on. Look for the commonality. Look for the beam in your own eye. Carefully dig around for how you do what so and so does, or how you also want what so and so wants, and how you try to accomplish the same thing that so and so is trying to accomplish.
Note also that what someone is afraid of exists only in the context of something they want. [e.g: If I’m afraid of rejection, what I truly want is to feel accepted.]
Also note that there may several intersections between what this person wants or is afraid of and what you want or are afraid of. Play around with this for a while. See what you can come up with.
Common Intersections (Common ways this person is a reflection).
He or she...
is trying to piece together a sense of security in the midst of personal doubt and insecurity.
feels alone or disconnected.
doesn’t feel like he compares very well to others
feels like she’s not enough.
doesn’t trust other people’s love.
doubts that he has much to offer.
wants to feel loved, or important, noticed or valuable.
D) Once you’ve got a feeling for what you want or are afraid of intersects with what this person wants or is afraid of, you could offer a prayer that’s anything along this line:
“Heavenly Father: I see a part of me in _________. I know that you see this in me- this fear of _________ or this tendency to _______ or desire for________. You see it and yet you still love me. Help me not to hide this part of me from you anymore.
Please heal this part of me. Please forgive me & heal me from ________ (describe the fear, doubt or tendency that is behind the person’s behavior).
Please forgive me for pointing my own stuff at ________ (the person you’re bugged at). Thank you for showing me, in the mirror, my own doubt and self betrayal. Thank you for lifting me from my judgment, strengthening me to change, and bringing me home to you.”
If you’re feeling complete with your breakthrough work, stop here. Congratulations! If not, consider redoing this section, returning to a previous section, or going on to a new section for another layer of work. Get present with how much upset or “resistance” you are still experiencing before going on. You may want to give it a number, from 1 to 10.
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look for yourself as the cause
The more you see how you have contributed to something the less you feel like a victim. You more responsibility you are willing to take, the less blame you will feel. Try it. You'll like it- not at first, but you will like it.
With the person in mind that you currently have upset with, read each of the below possibilities. If something resonates with you, say it out loud.
__I’ve been blaming you for anything and everything.
__I have been self absorbed. I have been insensitive. I have been impatient.
__I have been careless and abusive.
__I failed to share my feelings of hurt, fear or vulnerability with you & emotionally withdrew.
__I’ve been pointing my frustrations, fears and unhappiness at you.
__I failed to peacefully communicate & instead, chose blame, negativity &/or withdrawal.
__I allowed myself to continue to feel uncomfortable with _______ (keep details just in your mind).
__In my unwillingness to make sure things work for me too, I have built up some resentment.
__I have been unwilling to get clear with myself about what my boundaries are.
__I’ve wanted your approval more than I wanted my own self respect.
__I've not been appreciative of you and what you do. I’ve taken you for granted.
__Instead of celebrating our blessings I have chosen to fuel my disappointments.
__I have been more committed to my story of how you have wronged me, than to you.
__I disconnected from your love, got defensive and imagined you were out to get me.
__I’ve been lazy and this has led to a whole string of problems.
__I’ve been inconsistent about doing the things that keep a good feeling between us.
__Instead of letting you know how proud I am of you, I’ve given you my disappointment.
__I have failed to put you first, take care of your needs & do my best to make you happy.
__I’ve been wanting you to see the error of your ways and to apologize to me.
__I haven’t clearly asked for what I need and/or been encouraging when you try to give it.
__Through not living inside my boundaries, I’ve supported your aggression and abuse.
__I have viewed you as the source of my feelings of abandonment, not-enough etc.
__I’ve set you up, the best I can, to affirm my greatest fear i.e. that I don’t matter.
__ Without realizing it, I’ve pushed you into proving that I’m unlovable & not enough.
__ I’m causing people to be who they are by my labels, judgments and stories about them.
betrayal turn-around
For interpersonal issues
“How I am doing to you what I feel you are you doing to me?”
You wouldn’t be so upset with your partner’s behavior if it wasn’t something you are also doing.
Go through the options below (a - e) using every them as sentence starters in your search for the ways you've betrayed or let down your loved one. Some will resonate. Some won’t. Go with your instincts, even if at first, none of these seem to fit. Each time you see the words, “consider the following” is another chance to turn this around into seeing how you are doing what you feel the other person is doing to you.
The deeper you go with your accounting, the less upset and story you will experience. Working with this can produce a miracle in your heart.
a) ______ (person’s name) is not coming through for me.
Consider the following: I am not coming through for ______ i.e. (How is this true?)
b) ______ is blaming me.
Consider the following: I am blaming ______ i.e. (How is this true?)
c) ______ is trying to control or manipulate me (or someone else)
Consider the following: I am being controlling or manipulative in my relationship with this person or in this situation.” (How is this true?)
d) ______ is making me wrong.
Consider the following: I am making ____ wrong. (How is this true?)
e) ______ is invalidating me (or not understanding me or not appreciating me).
Consider the following: I am invalidating _____ (How is this true?)
f) ______ is abandoning me or abusing me (or “has abandoned or abused me”)
Consider the following:I am abandoning (or abusing) ________ (How is this true?)
For more breakthrough along this line click to “Clearing Sequence”
Ho’oponopono
Another version of “Betrayal Turn-Around” that sort of envelopes “Reframing” is the “Ho’oponopono” (an ancient Hawaiian ritual), which is as follows:
See the person in your mind’s eye and say:
[Person’s name].
I’m Sorry.
Please Forgive Me.
I forgive you.
Thank You.
I love you.
The key to this is to be fully present to these words, repeating the phrases as many times as you feel to.
“Ho’oponopono” for Self-Defeating Traits & Disease
A helpful variation of the above can be used for self-defeating behaviors (or traits) and physical ailment or disease.
Interestingly, both self-defeating behaviors or negative character traits and illness are somewhat of a separate, false aspect of our divine, vibrant and whole nature (a child of God).
Adverse traits or conditions can be an unconscious attempt to protect yourself from any more harm. It’s as if part of you is saying “She’s been hurt enough- better to shut her down completely (even if it means leading her out of of this life) than to incur any more emotional pain.”
That’s probably not a program you’re wanting to support (at least consciously). So it’s time for a conversation with this part of you.
Step 1) Identify a self defeating behavior or adverse physical condition i.e. defensiveness, pride, self-importance, jealousy, lust, anger etc. or thyroid issues, stomach or kidney issues, diabetes, cancer etc.
Step 2) In metaphysical sense (sort of a 6th sense moment), get eye to eye with this part of you. Look right into this part of you and say:
I know it hurts.
I understand what you’re trying to do.
You’re trying to protect me.
But it’s not working out very well for me.
I’m sorry I’ve lead you here.
I love you.
Thank you.
I release you into the light and love of our Heavenly Father.
If you’re feeling complete with your breakthrough work, stop here. Congratulations! If not, consider redoing this section, returning to a previous section, or going on to a new section for another layer of work. Get present with how much upset or “resistance” you are still experiencing before going on. You may want to give it a number, from 1 to 10.
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Grace
Inspired by the book Connie Rae Andreas, “Core Transformation”
Consider first, what is left of your inner experience (subject line) or what you’re working through, from 1 to 10 (10 being the greatest). Give it a number. Giving something a number loosens it from within you. \
a) Underneath ____________________ (your upset, limiting belief or negative tendency), there is something you want. What is it? Answer as briefly, spontaneously and as honestly as you can.
Answer: ________________________________________________
If you could experience ____________________________ (the answer you gave above), what would you want even more? What’s underneath that?- or What’s even more important to you?
Answer: ________________________________________________
If you could fully experience ____________________________ (the answer you gave above), what would you want even more?
Answer: ________________________________________________
[Keep going, allowing yourself to naturally flow into the obvious opposite of what you've been experiencing: “hope, forgiveness, change of heart, peace, infinite love, wholeness, patience, confidence in God’s love and in my unchanging worth, pure joy based on nothing but the coming forth of my own true, loving, faithful, compassionate self,” etc.]
b) Please answer the following question(s) with respect to all the things you listed above. Hint: The correct answer, is “yes”.
Is ______________ (one of the things you listed in above) possible?
Is ______________ (one of the things you listed in above) possible?
Is ______________ (one of the things you listed in above) possible?
c) Would you be open to the possibility that your Heavenly Father is the bridge between what you've been experiencing and what you yearn for - and that if you will release the struggle and stand still, that you could fully experience __________________________________ (the desired reality listed above).
d) Would you be willing, beginning now, to let go of ______________ (whatever is left of the inner experience, tendency or belief you’ve been working on) and your resistance to it, and to instead, completely experience _______________________ (the final desire listed above, along with all of the behaviors that line up with it)?
Please then, stand directly in _____________________ (the final desire listed above).
In every part of you - down to your toes, through your spirit, back through all time, into the future, into all eternity, in every feeling and in every space of your being will you now, instead of struggling for, will you simply and fully experience __________ (the final desire listed above)?
Will you receive it all the way to 10? (or “turn up this experience to 10”?)
Now, leaving this human realm, will you receive it through the infinite power of God, to infinity?
Note: This also means receiving the grace to create and receive the experience you want (because make no mistake, you cause your world!)
If you’re feeling complete with your breakthrough work, stop here. Congratulations! If not, consider redoing this section, returning to a previous section, or going on to a new section for another layer of work. Get present with how much upset or “resistance” you are still experiencing before going on. You may want to give it a number, from 1 to 10.
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Boundaries
So much of our upset and built up story results from our unwillingness to ask and answer the centering questions. Resolve from now on that being there for your loved one will sometimes mean giving up on getting his or her approval.
1) What are you willing to do about this issue? or, what can he or she expect from you if he or she continues to _________ or fails to _______.
Take some time to do some inspired writing. “I’m willing to _________”
2) What are you no longer willing to do (or endure), perhaps to any degree whatsoever.
Take a moment for some inspired writing. “I’m not willing to _________”
3) in looking more closely at the above 2 questions, what steps (if this issue comes up again) do you really think will be in everyone’s best interest, including yourself?
“What I feel what be best for everyone is ____________”
Note: In most instances, you want to think in terms of incremental steps toward a final drop off point i.e. “If it happens again please know that I will ________.” “The way back to my heart at that point will be _____” “If it happens after that, I’m going to need ________ etc.” ).
4) As you pursue the above questions or in your general search for inspiration, ask yourself: “What am not seeing?”
You may even want to ask God to help you in what we call a “guided tour” (a visit into someone else’s soul). What am I not seeing about how he or she feels? What am I not seeing about why I am responding like this? “Heavenly Father, what is it I’m not seeing, or what is it you want me know?”
What is God telling you right now? Sometimes, it just takes asking and then putting your pen to paper, or your fingers to the keyboard.
“I’ not seeing that ___________”
5) Finally, or first, is your direction question: “What do I want?”
This gives a general guidance with respect to the other 4 questions.
What is it you would like to see happen, in the long view? What is it you really want?
Now start at question 1 again (at the top of this section, “Boundaries”).
Soon you will be ready for a “Boundary Conversation” where you can let someone know what works for you too, what perhaps could work for both of you, what you’re uncomfortable with, what you’re unwilling to do and what actions could mend this situation, what you would be willing to do etc.
If you’re feeling complete with your breakthrough work, stop here. Congratulations! If not, consider redoing this section, returning to a previous section, or going on to a new section for another layer of work. Get present with how much upset or “resistance” you are still experiencing before going on. You may want to give it a number, from 1 to 10.
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listen & validate
Pick a person to talk with and a subject that evokes two different points of view i.e. politics, religion, house rules, office policy. Your first choice is your spouse. If you’re not married, choose an office buddy, son or daughter, best friend etc.
Have your spouse, family member or friend share his or her feelings on a subject you already know you disagree on. After he or she has talked for a couple of minutes, ask if you can take a moment to "validate" what he or she has said i.e. “What I hear you saying is… Have I got it? Is there more?” 5 to 10 minutes, each way. Please allow and respect this person's feelings. Don’t make him or her wrong. Make him or her feel heard and understood.
Reverse the direction of listener and speaker and repeat the above process.
This exercise is to train your mind that people are capable and worthy of your trust. They just need a little training. To just hear someone, without making him or her wrong, is the height of love and the apex of trust. Giving someone a chance to do this for you creates a space for trust.
Further along this line, this exercise is to train your mind toward a new reality: just because someone sees something differently doesn’t mean he’s trying to kill you. Check your pulse after the meeting. You’re still alive, aren’t you!!?
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Revisit every Boundaryless moment
…or, cleaning your Karma
“Karma” is defined as “the sum of a person's actions in ...previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.”
The more we can go back and clear out resistance, enmity or unconsciousness from our “previous states of existence” (former relationships), the greater the chance that we will create a different future.
So how does this look?
1) Go back in time and take a hard look at a hard and/or failed relationship.
2) Make a list of incidents or times in which you were not getting the lesson that was in front of you: when you did not live in your boundaries, when you aggressively acted out your distrust, when you stonewalled your partner, or didn’t validate his or her feelings- when you failed to cheerlead or encourage him or her (things covered in the breakthrough pieces above).
3) Revisit what you were feeling or how you were showing up in each of these incidents or times.
Examples:
The time I didn’t speak to him for 3 days.
Not wanting to tell her what I needed, or what I felt.
My tendency I had to be a victim and complain to my friends.
The sense of powerlessness I felt that lead to my aggressiveness and criticism etc.
The tendency I had to be controlling.
4) Each of these above, for example “the time I didn’t speak to him…” could be a subject line for a breakthrough. You could do any and every aspect of breakthrough taught above with this as the subject line.
Recently, one of our participants did 10 of these breakthroughs in one weekend (“Cleaning your Karma”). She reported feeling on a greater high, with a clearer future than she had ever felt before.
oposite action
Do something that supports the state of mind you desire.
If you’re experiencing limited thinking, start a new business.
If you’re struggling to forgive, pray for and serve this person.
If you’re afraid of heights, go bungee jumping.
If you’re single and afraid of being hurt, get online.
If you’re married & afraid of being hurt, do a camping trip with spouse.
If you’re feeling complete with your breakthrough work, stop here. Congratulations! If not, consider redoing this section, returning to a previous section, or going on to a new section for another layer of work. Get present with how much upset or “resistance” you are still experiencing before going on. You may want to give it a number, from 1 to 10.
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service, the ultimate oposite action
Even when he was being crucified, He was so consumed with trust, and love and service that he connected possibility love; “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”
If you are stuck in your conclusion that _____________ doesn’t love you, or care about you (wife, child, boss etc.), consider this:
It isn't about not trusting their love that’s got you shaken up. It's about being disconnected from your own love (your love for him or her).
Here’s how it goes:
When I serve you, I connect with my love for you.
When I connect with my love for you my heart tends to open and I connect with your love for me.
Action: Think of someone in your life right now, who’s love you doubt
See yourself serving. Make it real. Write down different ways you could serve this person.
Decide what you will do.
Record your action in your workbook or journal.
ARP
Addiction Recovery, or “12 Step”
The shame and guilt we inherited from our parents- that we compounded through our own self-betrayal requires 2 things to heal:
1) A complete, 100%, pure, sincere acknowledgement of the negative, destructive choices we’ve made.
2) A complete, 100% sincere determination to turn away from our destructiveness and turn into the love, trust and hope God is willing to fully plant in our hearts.
ARP (or at least a complete adherence to its principles) is the most comprehensive path to this end. The more you walk this path, the less you will see everyone and everything as against you. The more you turn from your own self betrayal and self abandonment, the less you will see others as betraying and abandoning you.
If you’re feeling complete with your breakthrough work, stop here. Congratulations! If not, consider redoing this section, returning to a previous section, or going on to a new section for another layer of work. Get present with how much upset or “resistance” you are still experiencing before going on. You may want to give it a number, from 1 to 10.
Click here to go to ARP recordings, videos and manual.
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Real life meditation
Be completely present to everything you're doing. If you're washing your hair, you aren't also planning a meeting. If you're washing the dishes, you're just enjoying the sensation of this opportunity with nothing else going on in your head. As with "One thing at a time" you will notice thoughts of the future, or tasks that pop into your head and you are willing to simply let them pass through you.
If you use headspace paid version, Andy P. has some really cool “real life” meditations, notably for walking.
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